15 days left. There’s this explainable squeamish feeling… Not exactly in a bad way. I guess I’m excited. A part of me wants to go out there to explore and experience a different way of life. Yet a part of me is afraid – afraid that something might go wrong. (Now I kind of have this inane fear that my winter jacket is going to get scratched up and I’ll freeze to death)
I’m not sure what awaits me. Not sure who my roommate is, how’s she going to be like. I hope she’s a hygiene freak and OCD maniac like me, especially with their recycling-friendly rubbish-throwing system.
But I guess it’s true when they say travelling allows you to discover yourself better, to grow and to mature. It’s going to be the first time where I’ll be apart from my family for so long. I’m not one who actually misses home that easily but I think the coldness and lack of an adult by my side might make me want to fly home in an instant.
P.S. I should be studying but I really can’t focus at all. Argh.
Probably my favourite song of 2013.
The light tune and Ra.D’s voice… It’s difficult to explain but they bring about this feeling of warmth.
I’m off to a really bad start for study week so here goes…. I really should stop procrastinating.
I thought the first semester for Uni was bad enough. Well, this Fall proved me wrong. This semester really flew by in a blink of an eye. I was counting down, first week.. second week. And before I even realised, it was the last week. Fall 2013 is probably the most intense semester so far, no thanks to UGC and my really lax timetable.
There’s really so much to take away from this Fall though. I’m really glad to have met Valerie from my COM125 class and occasionally talking to her sometimes makes me think a little bit more – about my life, my choices etc. It’s quite rare to hold a conversation with some of a certain level of maturity in school, so I’m really thankful for that. I’ve also made a few more friends this time round, thanks to us having the same timetable.
Besides all the nice lovely people I’ve made friends with, of course, there are always that bunch of people who never fail to piss you off in ways you can never ever possibly imagined. When it comes to pet peeves, besides people who don’t contribute to projects and people with a lack of basic common sense, the one thing that really ticked me off so badly for almost the entire semester, was the incessant chattering from the same few classmates.
Mind you, these people would engage in their oh-so-special conversations week after week, lessons after lesson. How can anyone be so oblivious to their surroundings? I don’t know. Am I being too over-sensitive or aware of my surroundings? I think not. Yes, I do talk a bit in class, but it’s more of a 5s thing, and not the endless I-think-nobody-can-hear-me-whisper-so-I-shall-talk-throughout-class (which in fact the entire class can actually hear you murmuring) kind of thing. In just this 15 weeks, I’ve experienced what I would call the different multitudes of ‘shhh’.
First level – shhh: I’m trying to listen here. Please keep quiet.
Second level – Shhhh: Do you mind? Kindly keep your mouth shut.
Third level – SSHHHHHHHH: Would you just shut your bloody trap up already? If you have that much to say, please get your butt out of this class. Nobody likes you, do you know that? No you don’t? Why don’t you just die now!?!?!?!
I can’t believe how audacious these people can be. Despite the lecturers (lol, it’s not even occurring in that one class, it’s like in a few classes. You know why? Because I’m taking the same classes together with this idiots!) asking for silence and giving angry glares, there are actually these adults who simply don’t have the basic courtesy to zip up for that 1.5 hours.
It’s up to the point where I feel terrible for the lecturers. It’s not even like they’re dealing with primary school kids you know. If they actually bother to try shush you up and get you to listen, they care. They’re not rambling on over that chatter because they want the students to take away something from the class; to get the best out of their class. Of course, some people just have to simply ruin other people’s teaching and learning experiences.
Other than that, I’m quite happy with myself for being able to achieve decent grades for my modules except *deng deng* UGC… What a killer. Time to motivate myself to train for the battle and slay that dragon.
Anyhow, I’m really thankful for the great lecturers I have, especially Dr Thompson and Dr Lohiser. I know, Dr Thompson’s class is such a killer, but I must give him the credit for being able to teach history in such an interesting manner. The lecturer really makes the difference. I’m really glad to have Amanda for the second time and I enjoy her quirkiness (really think she could be a radio DJ). Love how she pronounces ‘Ngee Ann’ as ‘nyan’ (like nyan cat) and ‘neon’ as ‘Ngee Ann’ (in an Americanised kind of way). Plus points are always given to a Potterhead.
Just a few weeks more to push myself. Before I even know it, I’ll be in Korea! Really can’t wait to experience something different.
This was probably the longest relationship I’ve ever had with any technological device. It was fun while it lasted, those 4 long years. I held on to you while you faced new competitors every single year. You gradually became a little slow – too slow – and a little cranky. Soon enough, I couldn’t update you to a better iOS simply because I feared that anything more, you might not be able to handle it and call it quits. I liked the way you look and felt, even though you were a little tad heavier compared to the rest.
Now that we’ve broken up, I do miss you. Probably more so the way you fit perfectly in my hands, but I have moved on quickly, just like the speed of the A7 chip in my new partner. You have served me well for the past 4 years, or rather 2 + 2, since my original one got traded in and you were handed down to me from my dad.
There are just so many things to love about you – your shape and the old iOS. I never understood why most people felt that you looked “out-of-fashion”. Maybe I’m tad “old-fashioned” myself, but I loved the old interface. There were moments where you annoyed the hell out of me too, how I would open one app and it would take forever to load, and then crashing almost immediately.
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street.
Ok, I have no idea why I’m writing this. I’m not sure if I’m weird or what but the greatest perk of changing my phone after so long was the vast improvement in speed. I love how my apps open up so instantaneously, no lag, no nothing. I don’t like that boxy feel in my hand and I don’t like how delicate the phone seems. I love how my 3GS seemed so tough. No matter how many times I abused it by having it somersault off my hands onto the ground, it still seems to show me some love, with a wee bit of exceptions.
But anyhow, here’s to another 3/4 years with my phone. Isn’t it funny how everyone seems to be wanting the latest model and I’m like this old granny who tries to hold on to the old things? I think the fact that my phone has the perfect music interface, allows me to connect with people and has a decent camera is all that I need till the phone decides to give up on itself.
Oh and there’s a front camera too. Finally I get to play with this function after so long!
Be kind to your children's teachers.
Be damn kind to your children's teachers. If you drop off your child in the classroom, say hello. Compliment the new decorations. There's a good chance he or she worked off the clock to make the room festive. Remind your children to listen to their teachers. To respect their teachers. And don't forget to respect them yourselves, because if your kids see you act disrespectfully -- even at home, even on the phone to your friends -- then they will, to.
1. Don't listen to what they say any less than you did your college lectures. Pay attention to what they tell you, no matter how insignificant or mundane. Don't turn the conversation back around at yourself by using an example from your own life to compare to theirs. Stop comparing all together. Don't just talk to them, have an actual conversation-- an art that is waning.
What if, in another universe, I deserve you?
Hear me out. There's this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about "the multiverse" which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.
Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It's the idea of parallel universes.
I have a big problem, one that I’ve always known all along, one that I’ve suppressed for the longest times. I’ve always thought that I was better than this, but at the end of the day, I feel like this is me, my future, and I’m probably doomed.
Where should I begin?
I feel like so much in my life can be described by the Relational Dialectics Theory. My life is that full of contradictions and tensions. I often find myself struggling to balance between two polarising ends, because there’s just so much that I desire. I can never make up my mind and decide on what I want. Even if I do ultimately choose a stand, something just feels off along the way, and I start to question my choices. Maybe this is the reason why I love to think about the Dialectics Theory – because I’m a life-sized walking contradiction. I wished there were methods to test to what extent will these tensions affect different individuals, and whether or not it’s nature or nurture.
1. Openness VS Protection
I’m the kind of girl who speaks a lot. I like to disclose things (mostly appropriate) because I feel like showing a deeper side of me helps to build a connection with others and make them want to share more too. Then there are days when I just don’t want to talk about things at all, mainly because how exactly do you say it? How do you bring yourself to say certain things when you are just as confused? How do you disclose your innermost thoughts when you yourself don’t know your own feelings as well as how you feel about those feelings? Sometimes I choose not to say things because I know it’ll either hurt others or perhaps, I just want to maintain a certain image others have of me.
2. Novelty VS Predictability
I’m that girl that finds comfort in security. I like it when I know how things are going to unfold, I like to plan schedules ahead of time just so nothing can surprise me along the way. I even find it funny when I predict what people are going to do or say because it makes me feel like I do understand them well enough. Then past a point, things start to slow down and sometimes I hate myself for being able to read some people like books. Maybe that’s me, constantly looking for a new excitement, yet not wanting to be rudely shocked by unexpected things along the way. Yes, I’m asking too much. I know, I’m insane.
3. Autonomy VS Connection
This is probably one of the greatest tensions I feel from time to time and it drives me so crazy. I have that desire to be close, to be intimate with people, be it friends, lovers etc. I want to get to know them more, I want to do things together, I want to forge strong bonds, I want to know that there are people out there that I can depend on. And then, on some days, I go into this crazy mode. I want the whole world to back off and leave me alone. I want to be all by myself, I want to be independent. I want to do things without considering what others think or feel, I just want to be free. Sometimes I desire a strong connection, it feels good to know you mean something to someone out there, and sometimes I wished I didn’t at all, so I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone and they wouldn’t be able to do the same.
I hate how these feelings constantly eat me up from within; I feel like perhaps I have lost that human touch. Sometimes, I can be so filled to the brim with emotions – I can cry while thinking a sad thought, cry while listening to a music and thinking about how the lyrics relate to me. Then I realised how most of the time, I identify with lyrics about heartbreaks. Except these songs are usually written about how badly they’ve been hurt and I’m listening from the point of view of the ‘attacker’. Nobody writes about how badly they might have hurt someone else, nobody writes about what drove them to inflict such pain and hurt, be it intentional or unintentional, asshole or just for some sort of unexplainable reason.
I hate how I can proclaim so much love for people, for things – both tangible and intangible one day, and then on another day, I can just toss them aside and move on with life. I hate how I have the attention span of a goldfish and how I lack the passion to do something and stick to it, or the guts to fight for something I really want. I hate myself for demanding commitment when I think that sometimes, the idea of commitment scares me. It pushes me away, it makes me question so much, especially about myself.
I hate how my life is in such a mess, even though I desperately try to convince myself that I’m having it good. I tell myself that I’m mature, I’m better than others in some aspects, only to realise that I’m just so naive. So naive to think that I am mature when in fact, I’m the one who needs to grow up. I hate how my past relationships, be it dating or something in between the lines, have all been so messy. I hate how I move on and think I probably need something different, look for something else, experiment and realise that it was never what I wanted. The biggest problem is, I vacillate between the choices that I have already made, and yet, I can still never find a satisfactory ground.
I hate how people think they actually know me that well, and tell me that I fail to see the good in me because I feel like they’ve never really saw the ugly side to me before. I hate how they don’t realise that I’m always the problem, I’m always the one who screws things up, I’m always the bad guy. I hate how it makes me feel terrible to be the perpetrator time and again and feel like I should be kept away from the rest of the world, never to be loved by anyone because I just don’t deserve any of that.
Perhaps using this theory is my way of escaping from the possibility that I’m just such a screwed up person over and over. I’m that girl that makes the same mistakes over and over again. Everyone sees it and wonders why she never do learn from them. If I were to see myself from a third person’s point of view, I might even judge myself so badly for it. Perhaps, this whole theory has been completely misrepresented in this entry. Yea, I guess that goes to prove even more how messed up I am inside my head, through and through.
So Fall Freshmen Orientation Camp has finally come to an end, and I’m still lazing around in my messy room and my bag is still sitting on the ground, waiting to unpack itself.
It has been such a wonderful journey thus far. I’ve learnt so much in a short span of two weeks, met so many amazing and inspiring people and felt like this holiday, was probably one of the most well-spent ones, albeit super duper tiring.
Initially, I was still kind of apprehensive, as I joined FOC all alone, without any friends. I must have dreaded the first meeting so so much because I was just like an awkward little kid who knew no one and had to make friends on the spot. Soon, it was the first dry run and I still remember how during days before, I was panicking and wondering if my partner was a douchebag. Thankfully, he isn’t. He is such an easy going person and I think we kind of hit off pretty well (from my point of view that is). From the drawing and painting of our flags, to the playing of the games, I felt that we kind of worked well together.
I also made a couple of friends who really made this camp experience so wonderful. We’ve only known each other for such a short while but it really didn’t take much for you guys to get into my comfort zone and I really enjoyed all the time we spent together.
Before I even knew it, the camp was going to happen and I was going to be (sort of) a mother or caretaker for my 20 freshies. It was kind of stressful, as I felt like I was either going to make their experience a great or a terrible one. But I can never forget the excitement – waking up early in the morning on the first day of camp, slowly getting to know my freshies, ushering the other freshies in. Time passed by so quickly and in a blink of an eye, the camp was going to end. Through that, I truly understood what it meant by 「台上十分鐘，台下十年工」.
Through this camp, I’ve met so many new people, said a number of inappropriate things (I have a really bad problem of not thinking before I say stuff, ugh), did countless of crazy things and I know that there’s so much more to me. I admit, sometimes during the dry run, I would think to myself “wow this so tiring, how do these seniors do it continuously without fail for almost every semester” and then at the end of it all, I can fully understand why they choose to “torture” themselves. The sense of satisfaction and fulfillment is indescribable. The feeling of going all the way to help others, the feeling of trying to make someone feel really comfortable and welcomed. Although Rebels may not have won in the end, but it felt so good to have worked with the other OGLs from Patriots, it felt amazing that perhaps we made a difference to our freshies’ lives as this is their first step into University life after all. It felt like you suddenly gained so many more family members and suddenly, I don’t feel as detached from school as I used to anymore.
I know you guys probably won’t see this but I still have to say it:
Thank you so much Rudy and Kannan for all the advice that you two have given. I have gained so much through working and interacting with you guys. I’ve learnt so much and know what I can improve on if I were to be an OGL again.
Thank you Kelly, Vivienne and Wiki for being such crazy and awesome people. You girls really made a huge difference to this FOC experience, and I really enjoyed all the silly things we did, like worm racing, night walk with Vee and camwhoring.
Thank you Linus, for being so patient and such a joy to work with. I really appreciate the effort you put into painting the flag, making the freshies feel comfortable (I really respect you for that because I just couldn’t help but feel awkward at times), doing crazy things like trying to scare the freshies during nightwalk, singing army songs etc. Thanks for making this FOC super hilarious too because you’re one heck of a funny guy.
Most importantly, thank you to my Freshies for being such a wonderful bunch to work with. Though not many of you could stay with us till the end of FOC, I still appreciate your effort to partake in the activities to try and know each other better and now being more active on the WhatsApp chat, and helping each other with any queries. I really hope you guys had a blast and enjoyed yourselves during the camp.
This is the best holiday I’ve had so far!