Sometimes, I don’t know why I’m so unsure about how I’m feeling. It’s like everything feels so good but you tell yourself that it’s a feeling that will never last. I wonder if it’s really true, or maybe it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy?
After going through the same experiences repeatedly, living through the same emotions again and again, I don’t seem to know what I really want anymore.
I wonder if it’s just me, or does everybody face the same problem? Because I never do get my emotions sorted out, I just can’t seem to think of what I really want, or need. Or maybe I’m just craving for the same feeling from the past to ascertain whatever I’m going through right now.
I keep doubting myself and as time pass, I start to see how flawed I am, how screwed up I actually am as a person. I used to think I was capable of some things, and wanted to work so hard towards achieving them. But the plans just didn’t materialise along the way.
And now that time isn’t on my side, am I starting to get a little desperate, just to hold on tightly to the little dreams I had since young? I start to wonder if all along, I actually feared commitment. Fear that I’m unable to just be with one person for the rest of my life, fear that I will be bored along the way, which is probably why at the end of the day, I never do try my best to hold on and cherish certain things in life.
It frustrates me so much that sometimes I don’t want to think about it.
And I start to develop trust issues with people. I become paranoid. I over-think, of what is happening or what may happen in time to come. I start to form little scenarios in my head, try to decipher the meaning behind every little action someone does or the words they say. I start to doubt if anyone would be willing to stay by my side in the long run because even I, doubt myself.
Maybe I just got to learn to let go a little, to not constantly be so uptight about things, to close one eye at times. But why is it just so difficult?
It’s a mad, mad world, gonna make it escape
It’s a perfect world, when you go all the way