Your existence has become an incurable illness for me.

So I’m sitting here, with my lips slightly quivering, my heart beating fast, my chest turning cold and my cheeks feeling flushed.

My thoughts are in sync with the beats of BIGBANG’s Monster. With each second drawing closer to the chorus, my feelings fluctuate. I feel an unexplainable sense of sadness. I resent.

All these while, I tried so hard to feel – feel like I was worth something. At the end of the day, I feel like dirt. I feel a void within me which can never seem to be filled. I have so many questions, but they sit at the back of my tongue and refuse to spill out.

All I can do, is just to pace myself with the song, and let my feelings wander off while I stare blankly at my screen.

The things I would do, just to feel, even if it hurts, just to know that, I’m alive. And that this heart, will still have something worth beating for.

Now that my feelings and the song are pretty much on the same level, I feel their bitterness swarming around me, like their voices form a surround-system wall around me that can’t seem to be broken down.

I love you, baby, I’m not a monster.

So why do you make me feel like one?


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