We’re searching for our saving grace.

I really need to pen this down, even if it’s on impulse, and I might regret half the things I say, the next morning. This feeling. I feel so sadistic. Maybe I’ve lost my mind. This intense hurt.. That I thought I would never feel again. Sure as hell did. Should I be glad? Should I rejoice that finally, I know I’m still alive, even though I really feel like dying right now. I feel like taking back all the bullshit I wrote previously about wanting to do so many things.

For the past 2 hours I’ve been in a half-asleep mode. I simply have got too many problems stuck right up in my head. So I felt lost, like a little girl, wandering around. I didn’t know what to do, except to cry and cry, and then tell myself that I’m being an idiot and I should dry those tears. How do you even say certain things, when you can’t get past yourself? I finally understand that inner struggle.

I’m fully awake again, groping my keyboard in the dark because I can’t fall back to sleep. I have to try to stay awake for the next few hours, if not my mum’s gonna know that I cried, like mad. I don’t even have the energy to fight back. I don’t even want to win the conversation. I see no point. I just tell myself to let it be, let you be in the best condition for tomorrow. And I find myself curled up into a massive ball, while having no control over my tear glands whatsoever.

This sickening feeling growing inside of me. My heart is screaming so many things but I cover my mouth while the tears fall because I can’t possibly wake the entire neighbourhood up at this hour. It’s a really horrible feeling, to be suppressing all those negative thoughts and emotions. Feels like my heart might just burst any moment. I don’t feel like waking up tomorrow. I don’t want to know what tomorrow brings.

My heart can only echo ‘You don’t need me‘. And it will resonate. For how long, I don’t know.

Maybe it’s just a bad dream. Maybe it’s bad karma rearing its ugly head at me. And it’s only the beginning.

Should’ve known from the start, you’re too good to be true.

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