Dignity.

I’m feeling so torn, like the inner part of me has this giant conflict going on.

Despite receiving the school package from SIM, I am currently still trying to appeal and get into one university, due to help and advice from various people. All these matters are creating a ball of frustration within me.

The university that I’m still trying for offers the degree that I’m more interested in.. But the thought of holding on desperately by a thread, while everyone else has been through the various orientations is just.. So horrid. For one, I probably won’t know most of the people there, and considering my bad grades, I don’t think most would be understanding of my situation. I know I should fight for this very last opportunity and not give up but sometimes, you just don’t see yourself belonging to a certain place.

A part of me wants to accept SIM and study there so much because I just want to get away from my past. Get away from the people I have known for 6 years. I want to start afresh in somewhere new, meet new people, and detach myself from an environment that has made me feel like I’m an elitist at times (Even though I’m not fit to be one). Then the thought of hefty school fees and a possible last semester in US scares me. I will feel so guilt-ridden if my parents have to fork out 2-3 times the amount of what others do in the public universities.

Of course, there’s the thing about where your degree comes from, whether it is more recognised than others. But does that mean that I can’t have a say; voice out my opinion on this big decision which will determine a great part of the rest of my life? Everything I do, I have to listen to what others perceive will be good for me. It has happened.. At all the important stages of my life.

I have always never gotten my first choice (on the first try). After PSLE, Dunman High wasn’t the school that I was posted to initially. I was accepted by Anglican High, went through their orientation. I liked the school culture (except for those times we spent in the chapel, it was so terribly boring I fell asleep), I made new friends. Then, I was pulled out and placed back into DHS again because my parents felt that IP would be more suitable for me.

Fine, that was where I made a few good friends that I know will be my lifelong buddies. Maybe just a handful, just enough to count with one hand. But yes, I’m thankful.

My studies started going down the drain from the very first year. During Year 2 streaming, I didn’t manage to get triple science. I got my second choice – Physics, Chemistry, Geography. It wasn’t even what I wanted. It was what my mum wanted. She claimed Physics was more useful and I could take Biology in JC again, if I could.

Fine, I took it. I hated it. I hated it so much during the last 2 years of secondary school. For the life of me, I didn’t understand what I was learning. I was so glad to have even scored a 50 in Year 3. In Year 4, my teacher told me, “What happened? You did badly for Physics..” and it got me worried for weeks as I thought I had failed. We got back our results and I scored a 57. Boy, I was ecstatic. To have even passed was pretty much a miracle for me. But then again, that doesn’t mean that taking Bio would have been better. For all I know, I could have sucked so much at it, though I thought I liked it pretty much in Years 1 & 2.

At the end of Year 4, we made our choices for our subject combination for JC. Yet again, I got my second choice. This time round, the choices were made by me. It will be something that I would regret though, for a long time. So many ‘if only’s. If I could turn back time, I would have chosen H2 Chemistry. I would have spent all the time used on coursework to pump into Chemistry and do something about my writing. I believe that there would have been extra time and I would have participated more in dance instead of telling myself that the time could have been better spent elsewhere. It was a painful mistake that I made. Maybe it wasn’t entirely regret, more of pity. I’m that kind of person, I jump into things easily, I get hurt. But then again, I recover quickly. I never let myself mope over something for too long simply because I feel that it’s never worth it. So it makes me wonder, if I ever do learn from my mistakes.

So now, I’m still drafting appeal letters. I’m crossing my fingers. I’m tossing my dignity aside for the people around me (and myself). Maybe it won’t matter too much in time to come. Besides, I’m used to not getting what I want.

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