What do you want from me?

For some reason or another, I’m trying to force myself to think of the past, trying to relive and understand the emotions I had when certain things happen then. It’s difficult, especially when some of them are fragments that I wouldn’t want to rethink again less I get embroiled in all the nonsense and let it overtake my mind once more. I’m trying to figure out the past once more, so as to understand who I am now.

I think very deeply on how I’m such a fangirl now. How I can passionately ‘love’ someone that doesn’t even know my existence in this very same world.

Someone once said, “Oh I don’t like fangirls.” That remark has struck me so hard ever since.

Oh you don’t like fangirls? Let me tell you why girls like us shouldn’t be liking douchebags like you. It’s because of guys like you, that girls like me, end up getting caught up with idols who will never be within our reach but that’s fine, we will always love them because unlike you, they won’t disappoint us time and again. All they have to do, is just to be themselves, perform to the best of the abilities, stay healthy and safe, and we are happy.

In other words, looking at them, just simply makes us (or rather me) happy.

They won’t hurt us, because they can’t. Unless they get themselves into shit like drug abuse and a killing spree.

When I feel upset, I listen to BIGBANG’s music, because it’s like this miracle plant that is able to heal me from within. I look at gifs of TOP being all silly, and cute, and kissing his dongsaengs. I love it when he plants a juicy kiss on G-Dragon’s mouth and goes in for more. I love him, but I will ship him with any guy or girl as long as he loves them.

I cannot emphasise more on how liking idols actually makes a huge difference to your life and being in a fandom, allows you to meet one of the best people you can ever have in your life.

Back in 2008, I had an unhealthy celebrity crush on Ben Romans. It was after the Click Five’s tour in Singapore. I would replay all of their songs on the loop, gushing over how brilliant Romans’ tunes could be. Then I sunk into one of the most depressing moments in my life, so many issues hitting me all at once. It was their music that kind of pulled me out of the whole emo shit concept. I’m no longer insanely obsessed, though I do get the crazies once in a blue moon.

Then gradually I got into the whole K-Pop thing, I had so many eyecandies. Countless. TOP, Sooyoung, Jinki, Hongki, Amber, Yura etc. This huge ‘crush’ with TOP has stuck with me for about 3 years now. The rest… I kinda view them as my children. I get the motherly instincts for them (though they are older). I feel good when I know that they are doing well. I worry, especially for Jinki, when they get into accidents, or collapse on the stage.

I’m not that ‘into’ TOP for months now. Simply because I’m lazy. I can’t be arsed to follow every single piece of news on him, look at all his photos ranging from photo shoots, behind-the-scenes to airport fashion. I don’t even watch every single live performance BIGBANG has or every TV programme they appear on.

But I know when I’m upset, I’ll always have this pillar that I can lean on to.

Haru Haru is my own personal anthem. When I’m angry, the forceful rapping between GD & TOP heightens that feeling for me. When I’m frustrated, the chorus of the song brings out my emotions well. When I’m upset, Daesung, Seungri and Taeyang’s emotional voices does this unexplainable magical healing and repair for me.

That’s why I fangirl. It makes me a happier person. It’s a source of distraction from all the negativity that hits me. I do go back to reality and face all the bullshit, but when I feel like it’s trying to consume me, I will be able to snap out of it quickly again. It’s just a good avenue for me to take my mind off unhappy things.

And I don’t see what’s so wrong about that for stupid assholes to judge and deem fangirls like me to be such shallow people who only go crazy for our oppas (or unnies) just because you think that we like them for their chocolate abs, sexy bulges, long legs or pretty faces.

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