I have been cleaning out my wardrobe. Throwing out all the things that I don’t need anymore, and re-arranging my belongings in another way again.
I do this whenever I need to take my mind off certain things, the arrangement differs every time I tidy it up. Seems like I threw out quite a fair bit this time as my cupboard suddenly has a lot of extra space, at least much more than it used to.
My iTunes have been playing songs on the loop, from day to evening, and at night, I’ll watch Running Man, because it always makes me laugh.
I must have cried about 10 times for the past 24 hours, I don’t know. I text/whatsapp Janelle and end up sobbing, and then I tell myself not to be stupid, and listen to her own problems as well. I give good advice, but I don’t heed them. What’s the point?
I take a long bath, just to feel the water running against my skin. The bathroom is where you get the most privacy. Taking too much time? Just say you’re having a bad stomachache. When I step out of the shower, I seemingly get a clearer mind.
But when it’s late at night, as you slip under the blanket, those thoughts run through your mind again. I don’t even want to hug my bolster, for obvious reasons, and then I feel so alone. My eyes betray me a little, and I tell myself to go sleep.
I haven’t been talking to Janelle for a while but the past 2 nights, made me realise how we’re so similar, the way we feel about certain things. Our conversations are filled with “^^^^ I know right”, “I totally get that”, “Your words make me wanna cry”.
I told her,
I have always wanted to experience the feeling of walking onto the road, and getting hit by a car, probably end up in a coma or something, just to see who cares.
But what if your soul pops out and realised that nobody actually cared, wouldn’t that be kind of sad? /laughs to myself/
Or what if someone’s last words to you were hurting you so much, and then something bad happened to you, and you died?
Would they feel guilty about it for the rest of their lives?
I just ate the pizza I had for dinner last night. It tasted happier today. (HAHAHAHA) Maybe I was too focused on trying to get the ham off the aluminium foil. But even pizza couldn’t cheer me up, despite it being one of my favourite food in the world.
If I could just sleep it off, I would. Maybe, never to wake up again.
Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. Even though the window beside my bed looks pretty good. The view might be awesome on the way down, but nope. I don’t wanna die looking like a pancake.
The 2 of you are just so similar. I can only have myself to blame for putting myself out there in a vulnerable position.
I’m so incoherent. Just let me be. You don’t always have to make sense out of everything.
I fell too far, was in way too deep. Guess I let you get the best of me.