I can’t trust myself anymore.

This endless cycle. I have been crying myself to sleep and waking up to cry some more. I’m exhausted.

I have been behaving as though I have no control over my own actions. My mind is blank for most of the time, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I mess up daily routines that I have been doing for months. It’s so frustrating.

I’m so sick of myself. Is that even possible? Everything about me is so burdensome. My thoughts, words and actions.

The reason why it hurts so much because I’m reliving the same emotions I did 4 years ago. I hate how every time I actually feel something so real and strong, something bad has to happen. Maybe only through such incidents, will you realise how much someone mean to you. It’s worse this time round. It felt as though I’ve bet my entire life on it. (And it’s not like I broke up with anyone, it’s just some stupid issue, what even)

At the end of the day, I don’t even know what I want out of it. I wish you could see what I’m going through. I wish I could just tell myself not to care anymore. I really dislike getting too attached to someone, because when they leave one day, what’s going to happen to you? How do you even love someone without this strong feeling of attachment?

/And my stupid iTunes had to give me problems. My apps got removed. Now my Whatsapp, Cubie, all our conversations gone. And I was like … What the hell do I do now? I feel so pathetic, trying to pick up whatever pieces I can, fragmented or what. I wanted to strangle someone so much. I would always scroll back to the beginning of our conversations and smile whenever I re-read them. I think about the serious things we talked through, and the cute moments we had.. All gone. I’m seriously considering changing to a phone that doesn’t work on iOS. Damn it./

I’m going to try and pick myself up. Distract myself from feeling negative, because I don’t want to break down anymore.

It was a short but great session at the gym. I kept pushing myself while running on the treadmill, and it felt good. My motivation now is to be fit and tone up my body. I have made some plans for myself, and am gonna cross my fingers that I can stick to them. Gonna channel these emotions into doing productive things – Exercising, dancing and reading.

Super thankful to my close friends for listening to all my bullshit. How on Earth do you guys even stand it? I felt like a complete idiot while telling best friend about it. Mainly because it was so childish. It’s like, damn it, I’m 19. Why do I have to deal with such issues that sound so stupid when you tell others?

Ok, time to be strong. And resilient. That’s one thing I really need to train up.

Not gonna invest so much emotions anymore. Maybe that’s why I was so cold after the last guy. It’s like I could never feel that much hurt. I was an asshole, but at least I wasn’t the fool. At times like these, I’d rather play the bad guy. At least I’ll have the last laugh for not being that dumb ass.

I wake up in the morning, put on my face; the one that’s gonna get me through another day.

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