The lingering question kept me up.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

When you’re single, you always want to be in love, be loved. Then when you’re attached, you gradually find that love so suffocating that you desperately want to get out of it. And what happens, when you’re stuck in between? How do you know if the feeling you get is more of a good or bad one? The ambiguous stage is always the best part of something more than just a friendship. Both parties try to make each other happy, both of them know what they really want.

And when you finally get the feeling that the person is somewhat ‘yours’, you kind of stop trying. You occasionally take the person for granted.

I was kind of envious of my colleagues. Boyfriends waiting for them to knock off, sending them home etc. How sweet eh?

Then I snapped out of it. Why on Earth do I want to go back to that hell-hole? Yes, I do like people easily, a bit too easily. But sometimes, I really can’t help but wonder if I’m just a person who should be left alone and free. I need not answer to anyone, I need not constantly worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. Isn’t that good? You don’t have to constantly wonder if you’re someone’s priority, or read into every single word or action that’s directed towards you.

I am quite surprised with myself for being able to contain myself from erupting for this long. Maybe I’m learning not to care, not to feel all those horrible emotions.

It’s disgusting how I have to hide my thoughts just because I don’t want to blow up some silly issue (Because FTS, at the end of the day, it always seems like my fault and that I should be the bigger person). It seems like for most of what I’m doing, I’m considering a third party’s feelings. And then I feel like, my feelings actually mean no shit to them. It’s okay for me to be hurt because, what? I deserve it? I’m not your punching bag, for god damn’s sake.

I’m so sick and tired of having that feeling of being the only one trying. Trying to make plans that never materialise at the end of the day. Constantly calling off plans. Making time for others but they don’t do the same. It’s so sickening. I did what I could. If I can’t move you, then what do you want from me? There’s this sense of dread that builds up when you feel like they don’t even bother to prioritise you at all.

Maybe when you actually start to not care anymore, others will then realise your presence. But by then, it’ll be too late.

You would have lost the love I loved the most.


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