So many thoughts have been running through my mind for the past few days, and I’m like a pendulum, vacillating between happy and sad memories. So many things I want and should say, but I simply do not know where to begin.
Life is just so strange.. And all fate has to do, is to wave its little magical hands – In a second, everything changes.
Sometimes I wished I had a time-turner, if only I could go back, tweak little moments from the past.. Maybe I wouldn’t be so confused about who I am right now. I’m way over you, but can I just say that, you have messed up my mind (And probably the rest of my life) so much. I was exclaiming to HY, “I can’t believe it. It’s almost been 5 years. That’s half a decade!!”
For the past 4 months, my life has been a roller-coaster ride. Some would probably call it a ‘happy’ problem. But I’m so frustrated. With myself. I wish I could see myself from a third-person’s perspective.. But I simply can’t.
I scare myself so much. The way I cut people out of my life and the way I feel for something so easily.
I think back, and I heave a huge sigh of relief. I tell myself how glad I was to not have made a silly decision back then. I used to romanticise the idea of both of us.. Then I realised, that was merely a foolish thought in my head. It was too good to be true. We were never quite on the same page. You were racing forward, and I was desperately trying to catch up. Even if I did caught up, we’d be playing a game of hide and seek.
I don’t know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down. The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
Now, all I can tell myself, is to give things a little time. Give myself a little space.
I just got to keep thinking, keep writing the thoughts that run through my mind… Even if it means losing a little sanity.
What if I can’t feel anymore..? What if I just simply enjoy the chase..? What if I have actually turned into the monster that hurt me and have not realised it slowly manifesting inside me for all these years?