Hold on to this lullaby even when the music’s gone.

So many thoughts have been running through my mind for the past few days, and I’m like a pendulum, vacillating between happy and sad memories. So many things I want and should say, but I simply do not know where to begin.

Life is just so strange.. And all fate has to do, is to wave its little magical hands – In a second, everything changes.

Sometimes I wished I had a time-turner, if only I could go back, tweak little moments from the past.. Maybe I wouldn’t be so confused about who I am right now. I’m way over you, but can I just say that, you have messed up my mind (And probably the rest of my life) so much. I was exclaiming to HY, “I can’t believe it. It’s almost been 5 years. That’s half a decade!!”

For the past 4 months, my life has been a roller-coaster ride. Some would probably call it a ‘happy’ problem. But I’m so frustrated. With myself. I wish I could see myself from a third-person’s perspective.. But I simply can’t.

I scare myself so much. The way I cut people out of my life and the way I feel for something so easily.

I think back, and I heave a huge sigh of relief. I tell myself how glad I was to not have made a silly decision back then. I used to romanticise the idea of both of us.. Then I realised, that was merely a foolish thought in my head. It was too good to be true. We were never quite on the same page. You were racing forward, and I was desperately trying to catch up. Even if I did caught up, we’d be playing a game of hide and seek.

I don’t know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down. The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Now, all I can tell myself, is to give things a little time. Give myself a little space.

I just got to keep thinking, keep writing the thoughts that run through my mind… Even if it means losing a little sanity.

What if I can’t feel anymore..? What if I just simply enjoy the chase..? What if I have actually turned into the monster that hurt me and have not realised it slowly manifesting inside me for all these years?

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One thought on “Hold on to this lullaby even when the music’s gone.

  1. 伟运 says:

    Dear love,

    I think you probably receive emails when you get comments, and I hope you realize (if you re-read this post) that the idea of the time-turner came as early as here. I mean, there were other reasons why I thought a time-turner was a meaningful gift to you, and I did mention the rest of them in my letter (which I hope is still great source of joy and love for you). And I’m not going to pretend that even before I left SG I thought of giving it to you. I guess the gift just gradually became more and more apt because there were so many reasons for me to get it.

    Time is a wonderful and yet cruel thing, isn’t it? We’ve still got a few months to go and I am already missing you so, so much right now. Every night, I devote some time for me to reflect upon what we have now, and how far we’ve already come in these short few months… And though I may seem to have had the smaller problems, the lesser issues, I have grown so much with you, and I hope that you have grown as well because the string of posts proceeding from this are, in retrospect, so representative of trying times. Trying times which I feel you’ve worked extremely well and hard to overcome.

    A little note about the time-turner. Remember, in the Prisoner of Azkaban, they managed to save the hippogriff? Well, technically the hippogriff never really died, it just seemed to have died to the three main characters at that point in time. But they never really looked at the execution and thus did not realize (for good measure) that the three heroes that will then come from the future released Buckbeak. I’d like to hope my gift to you kind of works like that. We can never change the perspectives that we have had in the past, the things we may have witnessed or have been complicit to, but that doesn’t mean that the past is necessarily painful or devastating. It’s tricky little business, time-travelling, but I hope that we’ve managed well so far – both in the sense of straddling between our time difference – but more importantly in the fact that we both grow to understand our pasts, as well as our futures, together in a meaningful and strengthening way.

    I just thought that perhaps it was time to let you in on this, this little secret from Dumbledore, that tragedy was real (I’m not going to undermine all the experiences you have been through as a person, m’dear) but yet also a perspective that you can rework. And I hope my gift(s) to you have helped you to do so. And I hope you now see that not only are you deserving of love, but you are also capable of so much love.

    And because of that potential, and that potential which you have grown to realize as a fine lady and princess, I love you with all my heart.

    Love,
    Me.

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