When I think back about all the relationships I’ve ever had, I feel so.. Silly. It’s almost as if, every single time I dived in, I didn’t know what I wanted, I don’t even know what I was thinking then. Every single time I walked away from the relationship, I heave a sigh of relief. I feel free again. I would say ‘Let’s be friends’ but deep down, I never really intended to speak to them again, because things would simply never go back to how it was like before. I am that cold, that ruthless. Maybe we could be friends once more, but give it time – 1 year later? 2 years? We will pretend as if nothing ever happened, as if I never did inflict them with such great hurt.
Maybe from each relationship, I learnt a little more about myself, and I grew from it. But ultimately, I still have not filled that void within me. It’s funny, how I can get so jealous at one moment, and the next, I won’t feel anything at all. I always worry so much about hurting people’s feelings, when I want to end things. I feel so torn whenever I think of how I’d break their hearts. But maybe, I was feeling that way, just to assuage that guilt within me. Maybe it would seem as though as I was more human, that the problem wasn’t solely me, it was simply just that things wouldn’t work out.
As I drift on easily from one person to another, I feel so sick with myself, about how I let people fill that vacant part within me so easily.. And when things no longer excite nor intrigue me, I would move on and drift to yet another person.
I always feared that my partner would cheat on me. But I read somewhere, what you fear most is subconsciously something that you fear you might do as well. Maybe I’m that kind of person, not that I would do the whole two-timing thing, but rather, my feelings may just change, so easily. I would waver so easily, and I wish I could tell myself to have more control over my own thoughts but I simply just don’t know how. I’m exactly the kind of person that I would dislike.
Perhaps all along, I have always known that I am such a person. That’s why, when I see someone that’s just too good, I feel like yelling “Keep your distance. Run, as far as you can away.” because I wouldn’t want to hurt them. I would not deserve them, at all. The good ones should be kept for someone that would appreciate them, and protect them at all costs…
And it kinda pains me how, I feel like I’m so undeserving of such love.
Maybe at the end of the day, I’m just like a free bird. Maybe I’ll forever be wandering around, and not have any tree to call mine. When the seasons change, I’ll move on to elsewhere.
Maybe all I need, is someone that can fill my void at the right time.
Fate has a way of playing with your life. It might just be an opportunity, for you to learn, to fight for it, if that’s what you really want. Perhaps it’s a test, to see where my limits are. To prove that I can gradually be that better person who would be deserving of someone great.