You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade.

Dear friend, I don’t know if you still read my blog like you used to but I just want to let you know, that I do read yours, even though it doesn’t seem like it. I’m penning down my thoughts here because every time I feel like telling you directly, I simply just can’t do it, and whatever we have between us – It’s going nowhere.

I read your blog but I never do ask you about it anymore because your posts are locked.. The first time I asked, the post was alright for everyone else but me, to read. So, what am I supposed to do, seeing all the subsequent locked posts?

If you ever feel that I have changed over these few months, let me assure you, I have not. I have simply become distant from you, and the way I view you now, has changed, from the way I did back then. If you looked back at our texts, you would have noticed the stark difference, in the way you used to speak to me and the way you do now. I still love you, but just as a friend. I want to know about your day and life, but the awkward conversations we have just seem to go nowhere. It doesn’t help that you don’t speak up and keep everything to yourself.

My feelings for you have changed but I’m still so thankful for having you in my life because you were the one that liberated me from the previous stage of my life. You made me see clearly what kind of relationships I want to be in, in the (near) future.

I think back on the reasons for all that has happened and I realised:

1. I don’t need someone that makes me feel like I’m never good enough. I don’t need someone to constantly compliment me, make me feel good all the time.. But I don’t need someone to make me feel like there’s someone else who’s seemingly more special and is definitely better than me as well. Which is why, with you, I’ve gotten so used to being someone’s second, third, or even last option. I honestly don’t like that feeling. It’s nice to feel like you mean something more to someone. You do occasionally tell me appreciative things but.. It feels so different. I can’t quite put it in words.

2. I don’t need someone who apologises all the time and not know what he is apologising for. I honestly, hate it. Hate is a really strong word but when the ‘sorry’s keep coming in, and nothing changes, it just does not worth as much as it used to. It’s even worse that I’m the kind of person who actually dislikes it even more when I’m alright after the first ‘sorry’ but it’s repeated so excessively that it angers me so much more. I’m not looking for apologies. I’m looking for explanations, to understand what you’re thinking. To figure out why I’m stuck in this complicated mess for so long. And you know what they say, “Actions speak louder than words.” I think it disappoints me further that you don’t seem to know why certain actions/words upset me and that you conveniently forget all the hurt you inflict upon me. Maybe it’s just an act, I don’t know. But honestly, almost 5 days of not talking and you left me crying my eyes out for 4 days, and you ask me, “What happened?” I.. Don’t need that.

3. I don’t need someone who doesn’t take the initiative to do things. Sure, you like girls who take initiative, which I do at times, but it gets tiring, being the one who’s constantly making time for you and making plans. I would also like it if the guy plans a rough outline of the day out and I can just give a small amount of input. I don’t like being the one who’s always thinking of what to do, what movie should we watch. I used to make time for you but you do realise that our plans hardly do materialise. I understand, you’re a busy person. Besides your usual 5 days being all taken up, your weekends are packed as well. And maybe you did not realise that I accidentally stumble upon some truth, having agreed on an activity way before (months ago), only to realise that you ended up doing that activity with all your other mates. The truth sucks, but at least I can see clearer now.

4. I need to feel like a Princess once in a while. I like it when a guy sends me home, or consider the fact that it might be late, and hence we should go somewhere that’s closer to my home. It makes me feel like the guy actually cares for my safety and that as a girl, I shouldn’t be home too late. But with you, we just go to places that suit your convenience.. And it’s not that I do mind it that much, it’s just nice to feel that the guy has considered certain factors when hanging out together.

Maybe you’ll say, if I’m really not that happy about such things, why didn’t I say so?

I did.. I tried for some, and it simply didn’t work out the way I wanted to. For some, how am I supposed to open my mouth and approach the subject, while not seeming like an oversensitive prick.. Especially when we’re equally emotional people. Most of the time we try to talk about such issues, we end up having this awkward long silences and then you seem to just move on to another topic…

I guess, this is the reason why I can only post my thoughts here, though I’m not sure of whether you’ll ever read them.


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