The angel on my shoulder is haunting me tonight.

If there’s anything I really want out of 2013, it is for myself to be a happier person, in a sense that my happiness is genuine, without reminders or in a sense that seeing my actions making the people around me happy makes me feel the same as well. Most importantly, the happiness I get is largely derived from my own thoughts, words and actions, rather than to absorb the energies of others.

I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I look back and think of the way I think about things; it’s upsetting and disturbing at the same time – the way I feel about things and the way I allow things to affect me so easily – how I’m still stuck in my 14 year old self. It’s worrying how I can let a single minute thought eat me up so much and sometimes I worry that at the end of the day, I’m left with nothing but an empty shell.

I really wish I can be one of those people who take things so easily in their stride, hardly affected by the things going on around them – good or bad. I want to be that kind of person who knows how to appreciate and enjoy a good moment/feeling, yet understand that such occasions are rare so I wouldn’t take them for granted. On the other hand, I would also appreciate every bad and upsetting moment/feeling and treat them as opportunities to have lessons to take away from, about other people, about myself and how to prepare myself for similar situations in the future.

I have always been that kind of girl who is so emotionally swayed, so easily affected by the actions of people around her. I read too much into things, I allow negative thoughts to manifest and grow into something bigger. It does not even need to be the people I know, sometimes, all it takes is just to read a book or movie to make me think too much into things.

I want myself to be happy from inside, without the need of constant reminders on how I shouldn’t let what others do/say get to me so easily. I want myself to be more tolerant of things that make me unhappy, and that I am able to channel away the negativity away as well. At the end of the day, my own happiness is a result of my own thoughts and actions.. No one is obliged to make me happy, no one owes anyone anything, not even my own parents. That is a reminder I have to constantly tell myself. Instead of just accepting the way my mum yells at me to do things because I don’t want to get into trouble, I want it to be me doing those things willingly to ease her burden because I know she needs my help (though I actually am more willing to help if she does not say anything at all).

I saw a post on Tumblr which said: Write down every happy occasion on a slip of paper and put it in the box. At the end of the year, open up the box and go through the list of things that have made you happy. I’m going to do that – to better appreciate the things I have and will have this year. Even though Bryan has a pouch of notes for me to open every time I’m sad, I never do open them, probably because my mind would be too preoccupied to remember the sweet gift he gave me 2 years ago, or maybe I simply wasn’t sad enough to open them. But whatever it is, I’ll count my blessings.


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