We’re burning red.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit for the past few days, about myself, my thoughts, my emotions. Sometimes, I would like to think that I’m a really contradictory person. I like being alone but then I could never phantom myself being alone for the rest of my life. I like to have someone to depend on and yet I wouldn’t like to be dependent on others for the fear that I would be extremely affected by their actions, or the lack of it.

If there’s a question that pops out in my head for most of the time, it’s probably, “Why me?”

Why would anyone like me? Why would anyone be friends with me? Why would anyone see any good in me? Why would someone see my flaws and still decide to like me?

I find myself being such a self-destructive person. It’s not like I don’t know what are the good things I have. I think I probably do. I think about the things I have, the things others have that I do not have, and I’m like, “But yeah, I’m still pretty damn lucky.” I just have a way of destroying every thing that I have or ever had with my bare hands. If it’s something bad for me, I’ll kill it slowly, probably even quite roughly and mercilessly. If it’s something good for me, I tend to end up crushing it single-handedly anyway.

Anyway, it’s that all too familiar feeling as history never fail to repeat itself, again and again.

So I keep running – running from myself – only to realise that I’m running back to where I came from.

I don’t know what it is from my past that made me who I am today. I’m too sensitive for my own good. I always get easily affected by the slightest thing even if it doesn’t mean much. I can be mature but in certain aspects, I still need to grow up. I’m like this little kid that needs constant attention, like what I’ve learnt in Psychology, and if the person goes away, I’ll start to show signs of distress. Then apparently, I think a better way of handling this situation would be to tell myself everything’s fine non-stop and I just got to get used to it. But what the hell, what if it’s something I don’t even want to get used to or I can’t get used to?

Of course, I do try to do things that make me feel better momentarily but then that same feeling will come back days, months or even years later. It’s like I never do learn how to cope with it, then what am I supposed to do?

I’m such a problematic person.


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