I don’t really know how I should start this but I sometimes wonder if anyone else gets this same feeling, like when someone tells you things that essentially make you sound like a ‘really good’ person, you often get slightly uncomfortable. It’s as though, you’d very much rather be a bad person, just so you don’t have to be that ‘good’ person, because deep down inside, you see all your own flaws and imperfections.
Maybe deep down, I feel like the idea of being a ‘good’ person is very burdensome. What if you do something that deviates from that positive image others have attributed to you? You don’t really want to let the other person down, so you’d rather them not look at you in a good way in the very first place.
When I tell myself that I’m not this good person, I start to feel like maybe sometimes people shouldn’t put in as much effort for me as they should, even though I’m quite a needy girl and do get upset about it. I think about how maybe I shouldn’t be stopping them from doing what they want, like I don’t want to be the reason they regret not doing certain things. It’s probably due to how I decided not to go to Japan just to spend time with an ex-boyfriend.. And totally regretting after that.
I just think of myself as not being worthy enough for others to give up what they can otherwise do, which is a pretty saddening thought I suppose. I guess I’d rather feel slightly shortchanged than to feel bad about stopping others from what they want in the future.