I’m tongue-tied and terrified of what I’ll say.

I don’t really know how I should start this but I sometimes wonder if anyone else gets this same feeling, like when someone tells you things that essentially make you sound like a ‘really good’ person, you often get slightly uncomfortable. It’s as though, you’d very much rather be a bad person, just so you don’t have to be that ‘good’ person, because deep down inside, you see all your own flaws and imperfections.

Maybe deep down, I feel like the idea of being a ‘good’ person is very burdensome. What if you do something that deviates from that positive image others have attributed to you? You don’t really want to let the other person down, so you’d rather them not look at you in a good way in the very first place.

When I tell myself that I’m not this good person, I start to feel like maybe sometimes people shouldn’t put in as much effort for me as they should, even though I’m quite a needy girl and do get upset about it. I think about how maybe I shouldn’t be stopping them from doing what they want, like I don’t want to be the reason they regret not doing certain things. It’s probably due to how I decided not to go to Japan just to spend time with an ex-boyfriend.. And totally regretting after that.

I just think of myself as not being worthy enough for others to give up what they can otherwise do, which is a pretty saddening thought I suppose. I guess I’d rather feel slightly shortchanged than to feel bad about stopping others from what they want in the future.

因為我不是好人。

Advertisements

One thought on “I’m tongue-tied and terrified of what I’ll say.

  1. Wai Wan says:

    My dear,

    You don’t have to be burdened to be a ‘good person’ because you are one. I know that may sound like I’m putting pressure on you to be one, but I am not. I know you have your flaws, just as you have already seen some of mine. You are you, and if you deviate from whatever image I may have at the moment, then so be it – that is part of why you are perfect. No single person is always the same.. Sometimes you may be extremely sweet, and maybe some days you may not be. But believe me when I say that I love both sides of you. With you it’s not a matter of you stopping me from doing what I want, because being with you is something I want. If I give up something to be with you, I will not regret it because I chose to do it for myself and for you. Even if, god forbid, fate should step in and force us into a goodbye, I will look back at the pictures and realize that with you I felt truly alive. And that… all this.. From the day I confessed to this very day, till tomorrow and years down the road where I’ll still be holding your hand and telling you I love you…

    All this I will never regret. All this I will repeat in a heartbeat… If we met different people, would things be the same? Who knows?

    But I’ve met you now… And even with all your flaws and insecurities, I love you. And I hope you love me too despite my rushed goodbyes and busy schedules that surely must have upset our usual peaceful long evening chats. You say you aren’t good, darling, because of your insecurities. I say I’m not good too, because I bite off more than I can chew and end up not being there for you. And yet you try your best to love me, to talk to me even though I sometimes end up not replying for hours.

    Dear, we may not be good people, but we are good for each other… I’d say you are perfect for me. And that is why we deserve each other’s love. You don’t need to have been a saint to share the love we have because we are two flawed people building a perfect little piece of heaven for ourselves. You don’t need to make yourself feel shortchanged in order for me to do something I want for my future, because you fit right into the future I want. My love, you are my future.

    I love you, Huien.

    Sincerely,
    Wai Wan

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s