A letter that he’ll probably not read but anyway, here goes…
First of all, Happy Father’s Day. This might seem like a day when people only seem to remember their fathers and then they say thanks and express the amount of gratitude whatsoever. But truth is, our family dynamics is such that we hardly, or should I say never, do express our feelings to one another at all. It’s almost stifling, to not be able to share my day, be it happy or sad, with any of you, simply because it is just too awkward to do so.
But you see dad, I’ve always been really thankful to have a father like you. I have always been thankful for the fact that I’m blessed with really intelligent parents, and I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be the same, to be equipped to pass on the valuable knowledge the both of you have to my future children (if any). It seems that from most people I know and the articles I read, most people aren’t close to their fathers because apparently fathers take on the authoritative role at home. They are known to be fierce, cold, etc. But no, you are the exact opposite. The mum takes on that role, thus she’s the terror of the home (which explains my love-hate relationship with her). Since young, I’ve always ‘preferred’ you in the sense that you were always the one who’s more patient, therefore you would come across as more endearing.
I still remember how I was learning division and all mummy could do was to yell and scream at me and for the life of me, I could never understand how it all worked. Then you stepped it, and explained it to me, and immediately, I understood. It’s funny how things always work out like that.
I’ve always admired how you were always so tolerant of mummy’s unreasonable words and actions (well, it was more of the past). Even when she was in the wrong, you would just let it be and knew it was extremely unwise to go against her. Perhaps, that was something that I learnt from you. Instead of fighting back, I’ve gradually learnt to just keep quiet, avoid the situation and wait for the storm to be over.
I wished I had learnt your way of taking things in stride, instead of being all uptight and anxious like mummy. I hate how I’ve become sort of a perfectionist (not in the best way) and totally not spontaneous at all. I wished I could just let things take their own course and still had them going well.
I’m truly sorry for all the hurt and disappointment I’ve inflicted upon you while growing up as a teenager. Seeing you cry for the first few times when I was 14 made me guilty and I felt terrible. You were upset when you found out I was in a relationship. At that point of time, I was so immature, when in fact, what I didn’t know was that, it felt horrible knowing your daughter was mixing around with the wrong company. It must have hurt a lot to whenever you signed my report cards that were full of shitty grades. I was scraping through, barely passing. I was put into programmes such as Supervised Self Study just to ensure people like me would study. I wish I was a little more obedient then, perhaps I wouldn’t be such a disappointment like I am today.
But my dear father, I am truly blessed to have you in my life. You are a great role model and I’m luckier than most people out there that I don’t have a broken family. I have a father who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble and I’m thankful to have you.
When I was younger, I always hoped that I would find a man like you, because with you, there is always a sense of security. I’m lucky to have such a man today and I hope that when you meet him, if you ever do cry, it would be tears of joy.