Driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street.

I have a big problem, one that I’ve always known all along, one that I’ve suppressed for the longest times. I’ve always thought that I was better than this, but at the end of the day, I feel like this is me, my future, and I’m probably doomed.

Where should I begin?

I feel like so much in my life can be described by the Relational Dialectics Theory. My life is that full of contradictions and tensions. I often find myself struggling to balance between two polarising ends, because there’s just so much that I desire. I can never make up my mind and decide on what I want. Even if I do ultimately choose a stand, something just feels off along the way, and I start to question my choices. Maybe this is the reason why I love to think about the Dialectics Theory – because I’m a life-sized walking contradiction. I wished there were methods to test to what extent will these tensions affect different individuals, and whether or not it’s nature or nurture.

1. Openness VS Protection

I’m the kind of girl who speaks a lot. I like to disclose things (mostly appropriate) because I feel like showing a deeper side of me helps to build a connection with others and make them want to share more too. Then there are days when I just don’t want to talk about things at all, mainly because how exactly do you say it? How do you bring yourself to say certain things when you are just as confused? How do you disclose your innermost thoughts when you yourself don’t know your own feelings as well as how you feel about those feelings? Sometimes I choose not to say things because I know it’ll either hurt others or perhaps, I just want to maintain a certain image others have of me.

2. Novelty VS Predictability

I’m that girl that finds comfort in security. I like it when I know how things are going to unfold, I like to plan schedules ahead of time just so nothing can surprise me along the way. I even find it funny when I predict what people are going to do or say because it makes me feel like I do understand them well enough. Then past a point, things start to slow down and sometimes I hate myself for being able to read some people like books. Maybe that’s me, constantly looking for a new excitement, yet not wanting to be rudely shocked by unexpected things along the way. Yes, I’m asking too much. I know, I’m insane.

3. Autonomy VS Connection

This is probably one of the greatest tensions I feel from time to time and it drives me so crazy. I have that desire to be close, to be intimate with people, be it friends, lovers etc. I want to get to know them more, I want to do things together, I want to forge strong bonds, I want to know that there are people out there that I can depend on. And then, on some days, I go into this crazy mode. I want the whole world to back off and leave me alone. I want to be all by myself, I want to be independent. I want to do things without considering what others think or feel, I just want to be free. Sometimes I desire a strong connection, it feels good to know you mean something to someone out there, and sometimes I wished I didn’t at all, so I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone and they wouldn’t be able to do the same.

I hate how these feelings constantly eat me up from within; I feel like perhaps I have lost that human touch. Sometimes, I can be so filled to the brim with emotions – I can cry while thinking a sad thought, cry while listening to a music and thinking about how the lyrics relate to me. Then I realised how most of the time, I identify with lyrics about heartbreaks. Except these songs are usually written about how badly they’ve been hurt and I’m listening from the point of view of the ‘attacker’. Nobody writes about how badly they might have hurt someone else, nobody writes about what drove them to inflict such pain and hurt, be it intentional or unintentional, asshole or just for some sort of unexplainable reason.

I hate how I can proclaim so much love for people, for things – both tangible and intangible one day, and then on another day, I can just toss them aside and move on with life. I hate how I have the attention span of a goldfish and how I lack the passion to do something and stick to it, or the guts to fight for something I really want. I hate myself for demanding commitment when I think that sometimes, the idea of commitment scares me. It pushes me away, it makes me question so much, especially about myself.

I hate how my life is in such a mess, even though I desperately try to convince myself that I’m having it good. I tell myself that I’m mature, I’m better than others in some aspects, only to realise that I’m just so naive. So naive to think that I am mature when in fact, I’m the one who needs to grow up. I hate how my past relationships, be it dating or something in between the lines, have all been so messy. I hate how I move on and think I probably need something different, look for something else, experiment and realise that it was never what I wanted. The biggest problem is, I vacillate between the choices that I have already made, and yet, I can still never find a satisfactory ground.

I hate how people think they actually know me that well, and tell me that I fail to see the good in me because I feel like they’ve never really saw the ugly side to me before. I hate how they don’t realise that I’m always the problem, I’m always the one who screws things up, I’m always the bad guy. I hate how it makes me feel terrible to be the perpetrator time and again and feel like I should be kept away from the rest of the world, never to be loved by anyone because I just don’t deserve any of that.

Perhaps using this theory is my way of escaping from the possibility that I’m just such a screwed up person over and over. I’m that girl that makes the same mistakes over and over again. Everyone sees it and wonders why she never do learn from them. If I were to see myself from a third person’s point of view, I might even judge myself so badly for it. Perhaps, this whole theory has been completely misrepresented in this entry. Yea, I guess that goes to prove even more how messed up I am inside my head, through and through.

Ugh.

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