Maybe it’s the hormones, or the crazies, but my mind’s sort of a emotional train wreck for no apparent reason at the moment.
In an instant, I felt like every ounce of positivity and optimism that I had in me slowly drained away and all I’m filled with is doubt, pessimism, fear, worry, and a multitude of other negative feelings.
The past couple of months have been some of the happiest, and most passionate moments in my life. For the longest time, perhaps in years, I’ve never felt as much rejuvenation as I did in those few months. I anticipate and look forward to what each day will bring, and I never thought that seeing the same face over and over again would be this exhilarating. It was a rush that I’ve not felt before, especially when I’ve always wondered how do people not get sick of seeing each other every single day.
And finally, I became one of those few “disgusting” people that I swore I could never be.
But sometimes, I fear that this rush will tear me up ultimately. I fear that I end up being someone that becomes too needy, too dependent, to closely tied to someone else for my own good. I fear that I’ll become weak – emotionally and mentally. I never liked myself for always being so cold and having the ability to easily cut people away from my life, but I guess I’ve always felt that this was better as being in control of my own thoughts and emotions just seemed to make me feel stronger.
I fear that everything that has been built so far creates some sort of unrealistic expectations that could ruin things. Yet with every adversity that’s been successfully overcame, people and relationships get stronger. Should I choose to have things the safe way and just be contented with something mediocre, or should I take risks and see how things may play out?
I also fear that my past experiences as well as tonnes of articles (some are insightful, and some are downright shitty) are clouding my judgement way more than they should. I fear that I subconsciously take on what the Internet says is right and wrong and make crucial decisions based on what I’ve casually read.
Most importantly, I fear that I’ll lose you so much and the thought of not having you as a part of me just makes me feel so devastated.
I hate hormones 😦 I shall try to get some sleep. Goodnight.