Thoughts on being a bum

It’s been almost 6 weeks since my unofficial graduation and let’s just say my optimism as well as motivation is slowly on the decline. If there’s one thing I could have done differently, it would have been to send out resumes earlier.. The wait is going to be tough and demoralising, and as much as I try to be as positive as possible, it’s hard not to feel jaded in a time like this.

So now I’m in this awkward phase of being pretty much a useless person, as well as facing the whole “requires a job to get working experience” and “requires working experience to get a job” issue. I go through various job openings and look at the requirements and end up feeling shitty when they are looking for people with experience.

I wish I could be a little less uptight and a little more carefree. I want to think about travelling or having a grad trip but the thought of not being able to find a job (and one that I can be useful in) scares me. The next step that I take as I embark in a different stage of my life is crucial and I fear that I might be treading in the wrong direction.

I know that it is tough to find a job that will allow me to do what I like and the fear of doing something terribly mundane scares me. But the truth is that many of us will be stuck doing the things we don’t necessarily enjoy and that’s life and we got to accept it because we need that job to keep moving on.

I fear that I make a wrong choice when it comes to my first job and only to find myself having 2 or 3 years of my life wasted when I’m a little older. I fear that after a while, I find myself stuck and not knowing where else to go or knowing what else is there to life when it comes to my career. I fear that if I don’t have a good or right start now, it will hinder the progress of other aspects of my life and I will ultimately end up being another sad insignificant story.

I don’t know if I’m the only one having such thoughts because I’m like an old lady that’s trapped in a 22 year old body. I don’t know if I just need to find something else to do so that I don’t get caught up in such thoughts.

People tell me that I should take my time and take it slow. I know the wait is inevitable but having so much time on my hands only makes me think and over-worry. I think the fact that I’m having a one month break for Japanese class soon adds on to this fear of having nothing much to do.

For now, I’m jaded. I’m exhausted. I’m tired from doing nothing.


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