2NE1 AON

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Ah…. Where should I begin? It was quite a different experience, watching a girl group for the first time, as well as being at the moshpit at a Korean concert for the first time.

Initially, I wasn’t expecting much from this concert, partly because I was afraid I’d be disappointed (like I sort of was for BIGBANG). I was also pretty apprehensive about CL’s live performance, since I felt that her style was becoming very similar to GD’s performance style. Even though it’s undeniable that they both have got great stage presence, I sometimes feel that they could sing a little more… (based on their live performance videos)

One good thing about the moshpit area this time round though was an allocated standing queue number, meaning that we would enter the standing arena according to our allocated numbers, hence it was really fair, and no need for any of that overnight queuing nonsense. However, SIS/Sports Hub ushers/crowd-control people did quite a bad job of managing the various numbered segments, which was slightly disappointing. I presume that this was the same problem CN Blue fans faced, and since this is a newly introduced system in Singapore, I hope that it will be further improved on to ensure greater fairness for the fans who are paying a lot of money to watch their idols perform.

Thankfully, Deborah and I managed to get a pretty decent standing spot (5th row, middle section) and I guess our view was pretty great the entire night (We were really close, and got an excellent view of their gorgeous legs and faces ^^). I liked how they showed all the different 2NE1 MVs, to slowly build up the hype among fans and a small group of people were also sort of teaching the rest how to do the fanchants during the actual performances (though the screaming and singing kinda drowned out the proper fanchants).

The show finally started, with them performing CRUSH, which was a great choice to kickstart the concert (well of course, what better way to start than to have your crowd waving their lightsticks and shouting ‘I’M A BITCH’). During this segment of the concert, I especially love the pink laser guns they held (during Pretty Boy… I think). Even though it was supposed to be a ‘masculine’ segment, I just thought they were really cute with the laser guns.

One thing I didn’t really appreciate about the concert were the fillers in between the different segments of the show. They had a video explaining the concept of the AON concert, which was essentially made up of four themes – masculinity (pink), purity (white), sexy (red) and rebellion (black). Though I liked the explanation which allowed the audience to better understand the way they did the line-up, I felt that the playback for half of the concert was pretty unnecessary. Though I would say they pretty much didn’t have a choice, since unlike BIGBANG, the only members who have had solo songs were Bom and CL. With that said, what happened to WINNER? Singapore was the only stop without them doing the opening, damn. Also, I was hoping Bom would perform You And I or Don’t Cry but she never did get her solo performance. CL and Minzy did not perform Please Don’t Go either…. 😦 What a waste, since that song is extremely good and highly underrated.

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CL’s really cute outfit for the sexy segment.

Of course, the highlight of the concert was CL’s 멘붕 (MTBD). I have been anticipating it since the very first time I heard the song. The song was not only great, but CL’s performance was amazing too. It was so much better than the performance video that was released on YT. I wished I could have recorded it down but the security was extremely strict (one girl got taken out of the moshpit oh gosh).

Overall, the girls put up an extremely energetic performance, as most of the songs they sang were fast-paced and they were just dancing and gyrating non-stop. I wasn’t too sure I liked their sexy concept, since I’ve always seen 2NE1 as a tough and strong group, rather than being aegyo or sexy. I won’t deny that the girls were extremely sexy, during the I Love You performance, when they caressed 4 lucky Singaporean guys (hell yeah, Dara sat on a guy’s laps while facing him and was so close to kissing him, and CL hooked one leg over a guy’s shoulder – DIED). But other than that, I think the shaking of their butts or doing lots of body waves didn’t do much in making me think that it was sexy. I guess, it was really more of a personal preference thing.

I really liked the stage set up too, which was very interesting, as they transitioned from segment to segment. The human motorcycles for I Am The Best were impressive, as I never knew they were literally riding on the backs of their dancers until the dancers stood up to dance.

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I was also extremely pleased with the rock versions of both I Don’t Care and Go Away. I think they’re both awesome and YG should re-release both versions.

Before the encore segment, Blackjacks started chanting ‘놀자 HEY HEY HEY 놀자’ (let’s play), instead of your typical ‘encore’ at any regular concert. After a few minutes, the girls entered from the doors into the standing area, and they started to touch some fans’ hands, while singing Lonely. Dara got a cute Kiiroitori hat thingy from a fan, which she promptly wore it on stage. Even though Minzy and Dara weren’t very fluent with English, they tried their best to engage the fans, and boy, the way they spoke English was so adorable! Some mosh pit fans started throwing soft toys for the girls and they played with them while performing. I think my love for Dara is increasing again, especially when she was getting fans to do the Do You Love Me fanchant again.

Dara: Do you love me?

Blackjacks: YES!

Dara: Do you love me?

Blackjacks: YES!

Dara: *awwww expression*

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Thank you girls for the amazing performance and time! What a great way to end my 21st celebration with a 2NE1 performance!

It’s all or nothing, baby.

P.S. Some of their backup dancers were pretty cute too.

Photos were from a lovely stranger, named Jon. I shamelessly asked him to send me the photos since he had a better view of the stage as compared to me. Thank you so much Jon!

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他她他

Finally managed to catch 3 Peas in a Pod with Laetitia today and I must say I had pretty high hopes for the movie as it is directed by Michelle Chong (Dunman High alumni, must support!) and many people said that the ending was unexpected, a total plot twist.

So anyone who’s reading this (oh hello there!) and hasn’t watched the movie yet AND don’t want any spoilers, please close this post because I’ve got so many questions I want to ask regarding the movie.

If you’ve watched or haven’t watched but don’t mind spoilers (but really, don’t say you don’t mind but actually you do mind, because the plot twist is really kinda mind-blowing), then read on.

If not…. You have been warned. (I really wonder who reads this though lol, except my bf hehehe)

I’ve got many many many burning questions to ask so if anyone who has watched the movie, please please please please do share what you think of the ending with me!!! (Desperate, it’s like those Inception moments, except I’ve sort of found closure for that movie)

To be honest, I actually kinda guessed 50% of the plot twist, which I think is brilliant, because I just suck at guessing plots in general. Halfway through the show, I leaned over to Laetitia and whispered to her, “Do you think Peter actually likes Perry?”

Ok so those 3 Ps went on a road trip, love-triangle yada yada yada. Then Peter dies. Then it was revealed that dundundun… Perry actually likes Peter, not Penny. Then it was revealed again that Peter likes Perry too………. (I think?)

So firstly, can we just say that Peter’s death made absolutely no sense at all? The first time they went to that place to see the sunrise, they actually drove a pretty long way down (woke up at 4.30 and caught the sunrise at like 6??) so technically that place is pretty damn far away? But when Peter went there to commit suicide, he obviously did not drive there because the car was still at the hotel. Plus, it’s in the wee hours, he couldn’t have taken a bus or anything. And it wouldn’t make sense for him to walk or run at all, because it’s like running from Singapore all the way into Johor Bahru or something – that would take too long. There’s no clear reason behind Peter’s death and we can only assume it’s because he feels restricted and he doesn’t want to live the life his father has planned for him, so he thinks that dying is the only way to find peace with himself.

Secondly, Penny accidentally stumbled upon the photos in Perry’s phone and realised that he liked Peter all along, not her. What I don’t understand is her reaction. Ok I get it if you are angry that you were being made used by Perry all along because he wanted to get close to Peter. But saying things like “you are perverted and you should be the one who died instead” really made no sense at all? Just because he liked Peter doesn’t mean he’s perverted and why should he therefore die because he’s gay….? My only theory for this would be that Penny feels Perry unintentionally caused Peter’s death because Peter wrote a letter saying “I’ve always thought 2 peas in a pod sounds better anyway.” So she would therefore assume that perhaps, Peter wanted to let Perry and Penny get together and feels that there is nothing else to hold on too and therefore made up his mind to commit suicide.

But, this brings us to the third point. When Perry was scanning through the past photos that were taken by Peter, he scrolled all the way till the end which said “I love you too :)” which would suggest that Peter felt the same way towards Perry too…? If so, why would he want to kill himself if he knew that they loved each other?! Plus he has also emailed his dad saying he doesn’t want to lead the life that has already been planned way in advanced for him. So now, I’m also confused as to whether Peter really liked Perry, but it’s probably a 90% chance thing because he knew he simply couldn’t have sex with Penny.

I’m not saying that the story is bad or anything (And well Laetitia noticed that the transcript said ‘Ms Perry Yap’ HAHA). In fact, I find the plot to be quite refreshing though all the sudden realisation moments and flashbacks really reminded me of Jay Chou’s Secret back in 2007 (which had many loopholes too but still such an enjoyable movie). It was also as though I was watching K.Will’s Please Don’t MV.

 

*rant* Alexander’s and Jae’s acting skills could improve (though understandable, since it’s Jae’s debut and Alexander doesn’t really act??). As for Calvin, he was pretty good I must say. I’ve seen him in all of the KO series and I think he has somewhat an advantage with regards to acting skills. I really didn’t like him speaking in English though. Additionally, I felt that some uses of certain phrases felt abit awkward and forced, like when Penny was breaking down, and telling Peter why must he keep taking pills, would it make him happier… (Though chill girl, he was taking like fish cod oil pills…. Like health supplements lol) And then she told him to get a life which made no sense, because it wasn’t that he had no life. He was just a really emo kid.

Well, so yeah… I’m really confused about the plot now 😦 Help, please.

There’s no easy way to say goodbye.

Your favorite band isn’t your favorite just because of the music. Yes, that has a huge part, but it’s also their personalities. It’s that finding out they’re not coming to your city ruins your week. If you’ve seen them live, you can name all the dates by heart. It’s the fact that their videos can make you smile with tears streaming down you face. You can make fun of them like you would with your best friend. You do things, such as mowing the lawn, just to buy a show ticket, a CD, a shirt, a DVD. You fall in love with their personalities. You cry because you’re so proud of them. You defend them with your life. For some people, they’ve saved their lives. You love their crew as you love the band. They’re the reason why you know some of your best friends.

I just got the news this week that The Click Five has parted their own ways and they would now be focusing on their individual projects.. I guess I kind of saw it coming, seeing how the members have been more actively involved with their individual activities, like Kyle Patrick and his solo albums and Asia tour, and Ben Romans mingling with many other musicians and producing music.

I wasn’t the early fan of The Click Five, I didn’t even listen to them when Eric Dill was their lead singer. When I first bought tickets to the concert, I wasn’t even a huge fan! I haven’t even heard of many of their songs, except for Jenny, Good Day and Catch Your Wave (and the other popular songs) at that point of time. Just a short period of time before their concert, I downloaded the Modern Minds and Pastimes album and played it on replay. When I was at the concert, I didn’t even know ‘Don’t Let Me Go’ or ‘Summertime’ but they were just such great musicians that I truly enjoyed myself.

I am eternally thankful towards Hui Ying, for having introduced The Click Five to me and persuading me so badly to go for the concert. I remembered how in 2008, I was such a problematic teenager in addition to certain family problems. I was so unmotivated to study that my mum offered to tutor me for Maths and even pay me for that and I would still refuse to do something about it. It was until I needed money to pay for the concert that I struck a deal with my mum to get taught and paid by her.

It was the very first concert of my life, the first time I queued for 7 hours before the show, sitting on the rock hard ground outside the doors. Queuing for 7 hours was so terrible so it always makes me wonder how do those K-pop fans last the whole day and even the night over. I probably would never do that again in my life as it’s such a waste of time.

I can’t forget the moments when we could listen to them rehearsing from the outside and we were all hyped up, singing along while waiting outside. The doors to the concert hall finally opened and we ran like mad in order to get to the front. We managed to stand at the third/fourth row and the audience were jostling and pushing. We could see the silhouette of the band members behind the giant white cloth and the moment when it was released. I can still remember vivdly how they made us sing along to Jenny, how they performed Headlight Disco, and the moment Kyle sang Empty and I was tearing and I swore he looked in my direction (delusional fangirl). I was blown away by Ben Romans craziness as he played his keytar, rolled all over the floor, shook his butt so hard and did other crazy things. I was jumping and shouting so hard that I didn’t even realise my friends and cousin were not beside me any more. I was clawing away other crazy fangirls’ hair from my arm (Seriously, PLEASE TIE UP YOUR HAIR, IT’S DISGUSTING TO BE SWEATING AND YOUR HAIR IS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!). I remembered this super hugeeeeee dude that pushed his way through from the back all the way to the front and I was falling over on other people. I remembered screaming for guitar picks and at the end of the night, my ears were ringing so badly, my throat was sore but it was just so intense, so awesome. I found my friends at the back of the standing arena and throughout the concert, I was just alone with random strangers, and made new ‘friends’ among the crowd.

After the concert, I experienced the worst concert withdrawal symptoms EVER (I did not even experience that after BIGBANG’s Alive Concert). I was so crazy over Romans, I would listen to their songs again and again, both Greetings from Imrie House and MMAP. I remembered having a dream that I had an exclusive fanmeet with the members and they gave me a casette recording (So old-school lol) and when I woke up, I went to search through my entire bag and alas, nothing was found.

Towards the last quarter of the year, I got into probably one of the worst depression moods ever in my life. I had so many suicidal and negative thoughts in my head, and I remembered how my cousin gave me Cadbury chocolates and stuck little stickers with words on them and I had to use the chocolates to form words, like a puzzle, to decipher a messages (e.g. Ben loves you! — True story, bro) She wrote me an encouraging note, printed out Ben’s picture and stuck it on the envelope.

TC5 was probably the first band I was so crazy for, because their music brought light to my life in the darkest moments and they kind of shaped me to be who I am today. I am so glad that I went for that concert because if I didn’t, I probably would never get the chance to see a proper TC5 concert in my life ever again.

In 2010, many musicians were brought to Singapore to perform at the Promenade for YOG, and TC5 was one of them. VIP passes were given out to Singtel users who bought a certain Samsung phone and with extremely great luck, my cousin bought that particular model and managed to get VIP passes to their show as well. Really was too damn lucky since there were other artistes like 張棟樑 and Nathan Hartono, both of which I managed to go for as well. It was really amazing, to have been able to see Ben’s massive beard.

I would very much love to see them perform once again as a band.. It’s such a pity that my favourite song is All I Need is You and they don’t ever perform it at all.

Though it is disappointing to see my favourite band end like this, I’m extremely thankful for all the great songs they have written and sung. I’m grateful for their wonderful performances, and I really do hope they do well in their future endeavours. Maybe the chances of seeing Ben Romans performing solo in Asia would be terribly slim, but I really would want him to have a special meet and greet, just like the one Kyle Patrick had at TAB. It was the first time I was in such close contact with a musician – talking to him, asking him about Ben’s beard (:x), taking a photo together and watching him perform on stage while I was literally seated like a few meters away.

Those experiences make up a large part of the best memories of my life. I thank you, every single one of you – Kyle Patrick, Ben Romans, Joey Zehr, Joe Guese and Ethan Mentzer.

Please do release Taking 5 Part 2. It would be great. Oh, and a final TCV tour? 😦

#76

So…. Little Miss Fickle decided to change her blog layout again.. I know it’s not that of a big deal.. But my heart was wavering so much after I chanced upon a really cute and pretty clean layout and to my horror, I could not use it. The advertisement by WP at the top was messing up with the layout as well and it just really irritates me how everything wasn’t nicely in place. I kinda like this layout because it’s really clean and neat, with a good mix of serifs and san-serifs. The only pet peeve that I have is that I can’t view the posts entirely without having to click on another link even though my settings are set to ‘view full post’. Thank god the post preview looks pretty decent, with or without the post image, so I’m sticking with this template.

It’s also pretty annoying how WP has got a really limited range of good and nice layouts (By nice, either it’s really awesome or really minimalist without looking tacky). The really awesome layouts have to be bought at premium rates of at least $50 and above (not sure if it’s a one time thing), and any minor tweaks – such as font type and CSS – can be done at $30 per month/year. ARE YOU INSANE?!?! With Blogger, I can pretty much do all sorts of awesome shit with HTML from the [head] to the [body] and add in as much javascript as I like – snowflakes falling with a custom cursor if I want to – and now, I can’t change the font type or even colour for that matter.

So I tell myself that this blog is not about visuals anyway.

I stumbled upon some pretty good Korean indie artistes recently through Running Man and I’m so impressed by them. Listening to all these fresh songs gives my ears a break from the thrashy sounding songs that most K-pop groups are producing nowadays. There’s just so much dub-step and all… I was listening to TVXQ’s Catch Me, which is really catchy but I didn’t like that robot-sex interlude thing, as it kind of ruined the song, which could otherwise be so much better. It scares me how I’m just forever catching up with the newer songs and the older songs that I listened to when I grew up as a child starts fading away from my memory.. It’s as though music, like my memories, from the past, can be easily replaced.. You know? If that even makes any sense.

Anyway, my thoughts are really scattered today. But I chanced upon Tom Fletcher’s (Singer of McFly) wedding speech which was one of the sweetest things ever because he used McFly’s songs and changed the lyrics, thus singing his wedding speech, or should I say song? I loved the part whereby he thanked his and his bride’s parents using the song ‘The Heart Never Lies’ and he sang ‘The groom never lies’, which was really really sweet. My ultimate soft spot for musicians. But of course, I love great writers as well 😉

Ciao!

It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.

I’ve no idea how this post would look like since I’m typing this on my phone. Woops.

28 September 2012, what a memorable and possibly, exhilarating day.

After the BIGBANG Alive tour, I must say I’m really surprised with how I’m so calm and rational. I’m not crying, or anything, wanting to see them, tell them how much I love them.

It comes as a shock to me but I think my ‘lack of enthusiasm, or should I say fangirl feels’ comes from how I’m partially cut off from the rest of my fandom and other Kpop fans that might possibly fuel this feeling. Yes, I’m still connected, but I can’t do intensive research about my boys. My computer has been down for 3 days. I guess it’s also great to know that maybe my enthusiasm was probably hyped up all along (partially to irritate/annoy people who diss Kpop /cues playful music/).

The show was great. Could have been better I suppose. But it was a dream come true, to have seen my favourite Kpop group live.

I think I was disappointed with the order of the songs and the encore part.. Partially, I feel that Hands Up would have been a better encore song, instead of placing it as the second performance. And how it was a waste that during the encore, they repeated the Alive songs. They really did perform many songs throughout the entire 2 hours.. So of course, I must cut the live band some slack, and they are pretty damn awesome I must say. It’s just well, since it’s an Alive tour, I was hoping they could do Love Dust & Ain’t No Fun as well.

Of course, I was really impressed at different points of time. Mostly by Youngbae and Daesung. Their vocals blew me off. Their stage presence was great. I loved their sincere interaction with the crowd. I might have wavered slightly towards Daesung, his eye smiles and genuine smiles but when Top started chooming in the most derpy manner, I knew again why he has always been my all time favourite, from the very beginning. G-dragon was really impressive too, such a small guy but his presence fills up the whole stage, nah scratch that, the whole arena. Leader is just capable of all that. Seungri’s vocals were slightly disappointing, but I could feel the sincerity in his voice and him trying to connect with the crowd. I wanted to shout to him, tell him it’s okay, his scandals don’t define who he is, entirely. I wanted him to feel loved, this maknae, that never seems to learn. And there’s TOP. He was his usual, slightly cold self, nothing wrong. Despite his injured arm, he still tried his best to dance. His sexy and emotive vocals resound in my mind. The way he teases the crowd, that’s my boy.

One of the most tremendous feelings was how the fans were waving their yellow crowns, some with the crown headbands.. It was, such a beautiful sight. And that was one of the main reasons why I wanted to experience a Kpop concert. I love how everyone are in sync in this sense. You see a sea of yellow crowns, it is a glorious sight. And then during songs like Haru Haru and Feeling, we sang in unison, it was uh-ma-zing. I remember hearing a recording of fans singing the chorus of Haru Haru on Tumblr and I was so moved to tears. I feel great knowing I was part of the crowd, adoring them, making them feel loved. Even if I’m just an individual that doesn’t make much a difference, but when you put all the individuals like me together, we are a cohesive unit that come together for the same reason.

I’ll be contented to know that they are doing well and I’ll continue to support them, through buying their albums, listening to their music and being their fan.

And to you, thank you for all the beautiful memories that you’ve created for me. I’m sure we’ll continue to create new stories of our own and I’ll have the time of my life fighting dragons with you. Thank you for being so patient and assuring. Your words give me great insight and don’t worry about them putting pressure on me. I hope that you’ll continue to be that leaning shoulder for me, walking with me to school and home with your virtual presence. /crosses fingers/

In a weird sense, reality doesn’t seem to hit me yet. After all, yesterday felt so surreal. From day to night, it’s like ‘What? You mean all that happened?’ Not in a bad way of course, but I could experience it again 🙂

And when you’re reading this, you could listen to Taylor Swift’s Long Live, because that’s how I feel when I’m with you.

Your existence has become an incurable illness for me.

So I’m sitting here, with my lips slightly quivering, my heart beating fast, my chest turning cold and my cheeks feeling flushed.

My thoughts are in sync with the beats of BIGBANG’s Monster. With each second drawing closer to the chorus, my feelings fluctuate. I feel an unexplainable sense of sadness. I resent.

All these while, I tried so hard to feel – feel like I was worth something. At the end of the day, I feel like dirt. I feel a void within me which can never seem to be filled. I have so many questions, but they sit at the back of my tongue and refuse to spill out.

All I can do, is just to pace myself with the song, and let my feelings wander off while I stare blankly at my screen.

The things I would do, just to feel, even if it hurts, just to know that, I’m alive. And that this heart, will still have something worth beating for.

Now that my feelings and the song are pretty much on the same level, I feel their bitterness swarming around me, like their voices form a surround-system wall around me that can’t seem to be broken down.

I love you, baby, I’m not a monster.

So why do you make me feel like one?

Even in my dreams, I look for you and wander around while singing this song.

When news of the date for the BIGBANG Alive World Tour for Singapore broke out yesterday, I was so ecstatic.

I’ve been crossing my fingers, praying so hard for them to come, on a date that would suit my schedule. And I’m so glad it’s not a date when I’m out of the country. So now I’m gonna pray it’s a school holiday on that day.

Now, I feel so vacant. Like I’m standing in the middle of the sea, and a thousand of waves of emotions hitting me endlessly, finally sweeping me up the shore, making me feel so empty.

The happiness that’s bursting inside me is indescribable. I feel extremely hyped up, easily satisfied. Their upbeat songs makes me look at their pretty album covers and smile at my phone. I close my eyes and imagine how the concert would be like in my head. The stadium will be pitch dark, with LED lights spanning across. Then there will be a sea of yellow crowns, the VIPs will be waving it, while chanting away, in sync to the beats and lyrics of the songs.

I see how during Koe Wo Kikasete, I will be grooving to TOP’s rap, and when he finishes it off with ‘Till then wait for you girl~’, I will mimic him and echo ‘girl, girl girl’. Then during songs like Tonight, Fantastic Baby, Lies (And start doing TOP’s finger twirling move, and I LOVE YOU MORE MORE), I will be all hyped up, screaming and cheering away, till I lose my voice, or till my throat goes sore.

But when it comes to songs like Haru Haru (Acoustic), Love Song and Blue, I will start to feel so sad. Just like how I felt when The Click Five was performing Empty in 2008. I will feel, so, empty. Damn. I know I will start to feel really emotional, because those songs just have that effect on you.

And maybe if they end it with songs like Sunset Glow and Hands Up, I will feel really pumped up again. Maybe still a little upset that I know the concert is going to end, but yet it’s going to be a fabulous ending.

I’m also crossing my fingers for a number of their solo/sub-unit performances. I would love to see GD performing Heartbreaker and Breathe so much, and let me pee in girlish delight. I would pray so hard for TOP to sing Of All Days, Oh Mom and Act As If Nothing Is Wrong, give him a pat on the shoulder or a hug and tell him we love him so much. I want to see Taeyang be all sexy and grinding on the floor with his bad-ass dance moves. And my smiling angel Daesung, to sing Wings, and not be afraid of looking into his fans’ eyes. Of course, also Seungri, to sing Strong Baby, as well as What Can I Do, and tell him how much he has grown up.

The thought of post-concert withdrawal symptoms just scares me so much. I had it quite badly for months after TC5’s concert and I barely knew them that well yet!! It’s going to hurt so bad when they’re out of Singapore, especially when I know so many of their songs, love their quirky personalities, and have kinda been through with them during their toughest times.

For the next few months, many people will have to put up with my crazy antics. I will listen to their songs even more, memorise their lyrics even harder, continue to fangirl even more passionately.

What makes me guilty is the greed that will stem after the concert. First, I wanted to listen to their songs. Then I start getting sapped into their news, wanting to know what they have been doing. Then I start investing in albums, sub-group albums. And now, wanting to go for a concert. Next time? Fly to Korea for BIG SHOW or YG Family Concert? Try all ways to see them up close and personal with the hope of interacting with them? This never-ending greed would be insatiable. But it will feel so good, even if it eats me up alive.