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The search for faith

I was pondering over whether I should pen my thoughts down because there are so many thoughts I have regarding the issue of faith, and I don’t know where I should begin… But I thought it would be good to have something to reflect on in the future.

Over the weekend, I attended church service with a serious attitude with respect to faith. Even though I would describe myself to be an agnostic, going to church isn’t something that’s entirely new to me but it isn’t something that I knew a whole lot about either. Up till now, I have no idea what are the differences between the various divisions, and I would say I’ve been to Anglican, Baptist, Evangelical churches and recently, a Methodist one. Back when I was 15, I have also attended Sunday School briefly. For those who do know me, I know, it’s shocking right?

One of the reasons why I was hesitant about writing this post is because I was afraid that people are going to call out on me for being hypocritical. Why so? I do crack jokes on faith and religion (sometimes offensive – I would bury my head underground for my immaturity sometimes) from time to time. I have told some of my non-believer friends on how I really don’t believe in a higher being or heaven and how I would never date a Christian. But a couple of months back, while talking to my best friend that I was putting in some serious thought about religion, she told me that I shouldn’t have to be afraid as I have valid reasons for having such thoughts.

For the longest time, I’ve had my reservations when it comes to faith.

Firstly, I’m a believer that I’m in control of my own destiny. I believe that my actions largely dictate where I am in life today, and the thought of my life being planned out by a supreme being sounds like God playing a game of Sims to me.

Secondly, I can’t seem to grasp the concept of an afterlife.

“I wish I can meet my wife in the hereafter, but I don’t think I will. I just cease to exist just as she has ceased to exist – otherwise the other world would be overpopulated.”

Lee Kuan Yew, 2013

I have the same thoughts as the late Mr Lee, when it comes to death and the afterlife. A few years ago, a good friend of mine once asked me, “When you die, don’t you want to have a heaven to look forward to?”

I simply replied, “I believe that after death, it will just be a state of blankness. There is no heaven or hell.”

I have listened to reasons why people believe in God, and some are along the lines of “I don’t know if there is a heaven or hell, but I’ll just believe, so that I’ll be able to go to heaven, should there be one.” Erm, honestly not quite convincing in my opinion, so I’ve just stuck to mine.

Thirdly, even though I’m not the most rational person, the scientific and rational part of me tells me “you need to see it to believe it”.

Then there comes the question, “You can’t see air, but you know it’s there right? You breathe it in and you living is proof that it exists.” And…. I can’t refute that, except that I know it does not have a definite shape nor volume and can be compressed.

Lastly, the first time I attended a church service in Singapore, it was an extremely uncomfortable experience. It was a church that many people from my school went to and still go to today.

Disclaimer: I must say that those people who invited me there are all really nice people and I appreciate their good intentions, but I simply felt weird, out of place and I did not enjoy myself back then.

It was perhaps too, happening, for my liking. And it did not help that for the weeks to come, I personally had the feeling that many of them joined church simply because they enjoyed being with their friends, rather than having that belief to serve God. But who am I to judge them because they were after all, teenagers then, and I certainly don’t doubt that their faith is genuine today.

So here comes the twist. With every story, there’s a ‘but’. Why the change in my mindset, I’m not going to say publicly (though certain people would know the reason), but I am slowly trying to open my mind and heart to something that I can’t see, but can possibly feel.

I look at the intellectual people around me who believe in God, and I wonder why? I want to approach them and talk to them about faith, but I don’t know where to begin.

Many years ago, my GP tuition teacher once said, someone asked her, “How do you know that God exists? Can you see him?” And she replied, “I just know he exists.”

While I’m typing this all I can think of is the song The Voyage of Beliefs by FM Static (which is an awesome song by the way) – “And she says she talks to God, but I don’t know if I believe her.”

During the session on Sunday, a couple of people were coming forward to share their testimonies on works of miracle by God.. And it was certainly an eye-opening experience.

Honestly, what defines a miracle? Some of the testimonies I heard sounded like cases of coincidences – they seemed like there still were possible rational explanations that could have lead to what they experienced. To me, if it’s beyond any sort of explanation or logical understanding, that is a miracle.

And… I have personally experienced a miracle before and I’ve probably only told a couple of people about it. For many years, I’ve brushed it off as nothing. But I have considered the possibility that it could have been a miracle, as I couldn’t explain my actions nor what happened at that point of time.

In 2006, it was my first year in Dunman High. I still clearly remember that day… I was going to cross the road and wait for 158 at the bus stop opposite (loop service), instead of the one just outside the school campus. The green man was flashing, the cars on the opposite side of the road were stationary and waiting for the red light to turn green. So I crossed the road, and for no rhyme or reason, before I even managed to cross halfway, I came to a stop. I remember how I turned to look right and a car came to a halt, just inches away right in front of me. One more step forward and I would have gotten into an accident. The lady driver and her passenger seemed flustered, as if they didn’t notice the red light. I just looked at them, walked to the front and past the car and continued crossing as if nothing happened.

By the time I reached the opposite side of the road, I realised what had just happened.

Up till today, I’ve tried to come up with explanations for what happened 9 years ago. I thought that it could have been my mistake, I even thought that perhaps it was like those TV drama where I had a spirit following me around, which stopped me from making that one extra step.

I don’t know. I try not to think and talk about it because I feel as if the more you think and talk about things, the more the memory changes.

So yes, perhaps it wasn’t my time to go yet, so I was saved in some sense.

I think the reason why I’m feeling so confused on the inside is because I’ve been brought up as a free-thinker my whole life. I’m not taught to believe that there is a higher being. The only time I pray, is when I pay respects to my paternal grandparents, and even so, I don’t know if they ever listen to my prayers.

All I can say is that my journey on the search of faith is not going to be easy… But I hope it’s worth it.

Finding myself through furry friends

After spending so much time with two dogs – Stephi and Whiskey – over the last 3 months, I’ve come to realise how I’m able to love in a way which I’ve never did before.

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Since I was little, my instinctive reaction whenever I see anything furry was to avoid and keep my distance.. It was sort of an unintentional classical conditioning, as I learnt it through observing my mum’s overly exaggerated reactions to animals. Growing up, I’ve never really kept any pets as well, just a goldfish (which died after a week) and a terrapin. I’ve been taught to think that pets are dirty and well, I still do think they can be pretty dirty (because I can be a clean freak) but I’ve learnt to close an eye because the positive feelings that comes with pets outweigh the negative feelings I get from the germs and what nots.

I think the turning point of my stance towards animals changed when I became attached to a cat that would loiter around my block more than a year ago.

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Isn’t it the cutest? I’m not sure if it has an owner or it’s abandoned, but I haven’t been seeing it around for the longest time ever.

After spending so much time with Stephi and Whiskey, I realised that there was so much about pets that I never knew.. The dogs made me realised how smart they were and I was really surprised when I saw how they knew when to get off the lift and which direction to head towards…. And it probably isn’t even a big deal right?

Warming up to Whiskey was really easy initially as he is friendly and likes attention. I love how he always jumps on me to greets me, as if it was a little tiny hug of welcome before he walks away to scratch himself in a corner.

It wasn’t as easy when it came to Stephi.. I still remember how she would look at me with so much doubt when I first started cleaning her paws and little bits after going for a walk to pee and poo. I was afraid of breaking her legs, and she probably was afraid of me doing just that too. Stephi can be cool in her own ways and would quietly sit in a corner or on a chair and just eye me as if she was watching my every move…. Before she gets drowsy and proceeds to snore. Heh.

But recently, I started giving her really intense back scratches and I must have done something right because she has been approaching me on her own (instead of me going over to disturb her) and waits for me with those eyes that scream, “Where’s my back scratch?”. So I proceed to scratch her and whenever I stop, she’ll turn to look at me as if to say, “Hey, I didn’t say you can stop.”

I get a great sense of satisfaction when she starts to wag her tail vigorously, and make cute little high pitched sounds.. And I’ll mimic those sounds, hoping that she might understand my gibberish too.

So finally on Friday, we got the chance to bring the dogs out to Botanic Gardens to explore. Seeing how excited they were, especially with Stephi’s incessant barking, made me happy that I was able to do something to put them in a good mood.

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I realised that whenever I take walks with the dogs, I started to take more notice of other dog owners with their dogs, and I feel a greater sense of connection with these strangers as compared to when I simply stroll at East Coast Park with my family.

As time goes by, I wonder whether or not I should have a pet of my own in the future… It’s not going to be easy, and the thought of it being alone at home pains me to no end. However, I feel like having a pet makes me have something to look forward to after a long day of school or work.. That of course depends on how I decide to view things depending on my mood for that day. I could be in a bad mood and think of how I’ve got to feed the pet, clean up after it and be very frustrated or I could think positively and look forward to the company I get at the end of the day.

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Here’s a cute blurry photo of Stephi being all greedy for a treat after the long walk to end my incoherent post!

Late night thoughts

Maybe it’s the hormones, or the crazies, but my mind’s sort of a emotional train wreck for no apparent reason at the moment.

In an instant, I felt like every ounce of positivity and optimism that I had in me slowly drained away and all I’m filled with is doubt, pessimism, fear, worry, and a multitude of other negative feelings.

The past couple of months have been some of the happiest, and most passionate moments in my life. For the longest time, perhaps in years, I’ve never felt as much rejuvenation as I did in those few months. I anticipate and look forward to what each day will bring, and I never thought that seeing the same face over and over again would be this exhilarating. It was a rush that I’ve not felt before, especially when I’ve always wondered how do people not get sick of seeing each other every single day.

And finally, I became one of those few “disgusting” people that I swore I could never be.

But sometimes, I fear that this rush will tear me up ultimately. I fear that I end up being someone that becomes too needy, too dependent, to closely tied to someone else for my own good. I fear that I’ll become weak – emotionally and mentally. I never liked myself for always being so cold and having the ability to easily cut people away from my life, but I guess I’ve always felt that this was better as being in control of my own thoughts and emotions just seemed to make me feel stronger.

I fear that everything that has been built so far creates some sort of unrealistic expectations that could ruin things. Yet with every adversity that’s been successfully overcame, people and relationships get stronger. Should I choose to have things the safe way and just be contented with something mediocre, or should I take risks and see how things may play out?

I also fear that my past experiences as well as tonnes of articles (some are insightful, and some are downright shitty) are clouding my judgement way more than they should. I fear that I subconsciously take on what the Internet says is right and wrong and make crucial decisions based on what I’ve casually read.

Most importantly, I fear that I’ll lose you so much and the thought of not having you as a part of me just makes me feel so devastated.

I hate hormones :( I shall try to get some sleep. Goodnight.

제발

So when I returned home 3 weeks ago from the States, I was told of the news. I was shocked, but I was even more appalled by something else, and today I just feel immensely terrible, knowing that I could have gone against the adult’s wishes and probably done something about it, and yet I didn’t.

Technically what they were doing wasn’t wrong – I knew where they were coming from, but it was wrong to me. It just didn’t fit in with my way of thinking, especially not after a whole semester of Communication Ethics – dealing with ideas of telling or withholding the truth; trying to understand that there is no one right way to do things and you just got to stick to your own ethical code.

It happened once then, and then it happened again, just last weekend and again last night. Why? Why did you all let all these happen?

Now it’s all too late, and it’s not about whose fault is it. It’s not a finger-pointing-blaming game.

It’s not anyone’s fault, really. I can understand the true intentions, I can understand that sometimes, even when we have all grown up, our parents still see us as young children – they don’t want us to worry, they don’t want us to get hurt. But what’s wrong with worrying, with getting hurt? It’s all part and parcel of growing up.

And then I got angry, even when I wasn’t the one who’s supposed to feel that way.

Just when are we going to be taken seriously? Just when will you all trust us enough to be able to take charge of our emotions, to make logically sound decisions and to do what’s best for ourselves? Why do you all just assume that the decisions you make are necessarily good for us? Because no, at the end of the day, even if we are still young, we are capable of making wise decisions for ourselves.

Please, please just have this little ounce of faith in us, that we are finally adults and we are mature enough to know exactly what we want and what we need to do. Please stop treating us like we were the young kids back then that wasted water, washing the dirt off our teletubbies’ faces. Please understand that we want to share both the good and the bad, the happiness and the burden with you too.

And after all the that’s been done, everything now is just a mistake that can never be erased, because it’s too late. And you can’t imagine the horror this poor girl has to live with for the rest of her life.

I’m upset – over what has happened and the poor decisions that the adults have made.

No one should have to go through this. Definitely not her. And I feel so helpless because I can’t do or say anything to make things better. I feel terrible but it’s nothing, nothing at all compared to everything she is feeling right now. I know it for sure even though I’ve yet to break my silence.

So please, we’ve grown up. Please treat us the same way you would want us to treat you too.

A new year, a new chapter.

It’s only been two days into 2015 and I must say that I’m feeling really upbeat and excited about how the year will unfold. In less than 48 hours, there has been some changes to my life – changes that may affect major parts of my life in the long run, and I can’t wait to see how things will unfold.

Every single year, I have the same resolution of ‘exercise regularly’ which never ever happens… And I’m glad I kickstarted the year by cycling from ECP all the way to Changi Village and back – approximately 28km in total – within a span of three hours. I sure am feeling the consequences from not cycling for more than a year, especially for such a long distance. Unlike running, the pressure of having to return the bicycle before the rental time is up forces me to push myself despite the aches I felt in my thighs. While I’ve always particularly enjoyed cycling, it has always been pure leisure and I’ve never cycled beyond Bedok at all in my entire life. Well, not until yesterday. The weather was forgiving – with a nice constant cool breeze, and it was exhilarating, to have been able to cycle past Changi airport – the runway, control tower etc. – as well as to catch a glimpse of the SAF Ferry Terminal and Tekong, since I’ve never been there before. The journey back proved to be tough, as the sky got darker and my legs felt like they were going to give way any moment, but I could not have been more proud of myself, to have persevered and pushed on, especially the last 10-minute rush back, which felt like a really long time.

The second day of the year proved to be exciting as well, even though I was overwhelmed with stress. Thanks to Bryan, I managed to secure a short internship stint, and I drafted my first real press release today. The thought of it just seems so unreal! The only experience I’ve ever had with PR or a media kit, was the project for the PR module and for that, I was working on a fictional event (The Triwizard Tournament)!! It was definitely not easy, trying to churn out something that hopefully, the media outlets would pick up… And it certainly didn’t help that I was having a bad case of a writer’s block… However, I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best! It is all very fast-paced and I’m definitely looking forward to what the outcomes may be… Even though this is all so last minute and it is literally taking up my entire winter break.

The thought of finally putting what I’ve learnt in class to good use…. It’s just so uplifting! I feel like I might actually be a useful human being…!

It’s finally the weekend… But I can’t wait to see what next week might bring me… So till then!

In retrospect

It’s the time of the year again, where we all look back upon what we’ve done in the past 365 days and come up with resolutions that we are most likely not going to carry out, yet we still do them every single year.

2014 has definitely been one of the most eventful years of my life. I was very blessed to have been granted with two exchange opportunities – a month in Korea and 4 months in the States. I must say that I’m indeed very lucky, as I got to experience living, studying and playing in not just one, but two foreign places.

Being in Korea really ended 2013 and started 2014 great. I clearly remember the last night of 2013, when we all gathered together to watch one of the Gayo Daejuns in the freezing common room below our hostel. I still remember the very last few days I spent in Seoul, running between the stores in Myeongdong to buy whatever I needed, then running to and fro between the post office and our guesthouse, and packing whatever we could into a giant box and shipping 25kg worth of stuff home! I am still very impressed with EMS up till today because the parcel got home before I even flew out of Seoul!

Coming back to Singapore was somewhat depressing because I really enjoyed living in Korea, and I was seriously contemplating a future there – a stable job, a house etc. But I realised how difficult it would be (many reasons that I’m lazy to explain here).

Then in August, I flew to the States and spent a good four months there. In those four months, I think I’ve grown, learnt new things, as well as learnt new things about myself and it was definitely a wonderful experience to have. From learning how to cook, to working out (even if it wasn’t regular and I needed a push) – I was glad that my parents gave me this precious opportunity and I would be nothing without them.

Who knew that I would learn some interesting defense tactics from the self-defense class eh? 

It was a dream, to have been able to travel to Toronto, Florida and NYC. All my life, I’ve been dreaming and anticipating the day that I would go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and it always felt so distant. Even when I knew that I was going to America, it never did cross my mind to travel to Orlando, simply because I thought it was going to be impossible. But yet, the impossible happened, and before I even know it, the plane tickets and accommodation had been booked. Everything felt like a dream, a wonderful dream indeed, and I can’t wait to be back again in the future. Going to NYC was a dream as well, because I wasn’t supposed to be travelling there, when my family decided that they were going to travel on their own. Looking back at the photos I took at Brooklyn Bridge, Rockefeller Centre and Times Square, I know exactly how lucky I am.

Besides the school exchanges, I’m also extremely pleased with my results for the year. Knowing that I’m so much closer to my end goal for University really makes me feel accomplished… Even though many say that results is not everything, can I just say that it is everything to me (at least from now till I graduate) because for the first 12 years of my education, I have never prioritised studying nor having good grades. It was simply about doing the bare minimum, scraping a pass, just making it to move on to the next year. Getting out of that phase and being someone that wanted something more really helped me put things into perspective and strive to be better. Even though I’m a little late, at least I’m doing something in my final lap as a student, before I officially step into the working world.

I can also proudly say that I learnt a little of another language, even though it was just a short four month period. And I also attained my Basic Japanese certificate.

Apart from all the good things that happened in 2014, there were also a fair share of minor hiccups, however, I feel that all these are small obstacles that are put in place for various reasons, perhaps to test me, to be stronger and better.

For 2015, I simply wish to be in better health and shape, to be wiser, to be better at handling relationships as well as cutting away toxic people from my life. I also have so much more to learn about life, such as letting things go, and to not let small things (like being compared to others) get to me.

2014 has been nothing short of awesome, and this wouldn’t have been possible without my family, friends and loved ones. You know who you are – the ones who’ve stuck through the bad times with me, who’ve listened to my woes, who’ve pushed me when I needed encouragement. Thank you so much, and I love you guys!

Why coming back is difficult

A few weeks prior to my return from the States, I stumbled upon an article about how the hardest part of travelling is coming back home and I couldn’t agree more. When you are away from home, there are so many changes going on, even if it’s with the people whom you’ve lived with your entire life. In that short period of four months, I’ve changed, my family has changed, so many things have changed. When you’re done travelling and you’ve got to come back home, suddenly, you’ve to live with how things were 4 months ago, as if nothing has changed. And truth is, it’s not easy.

As much as I value the autonomy and freedom that I had in the States, back home here in Singapore, I’m living in my home as a daughter, as a sister, and I simply can’t do the same things like I did just a while ago. Even when the responsibilities that we take on do not change (for example, I’ve to keep the dishes, mop the floor etc.), the way things are being run have changed. What used to be home-cooked dinners at 7pm has become store-bought dishes at 7.30/8pm – which affects the timing that I keep the dishes. Not that it’s that big of a deal.

Well it’s not like these things are impossible to live with, I guess I just need time to settle back into reality and tell myself that I’m truly home and I’m not going anywhere else anytime soon.

While I was scrubbing the sides of my New Balance kicks white (back to how they originally were when I first bought them), I felt like I was cleaning away the 4 months I had spent in Buffalo. But as I looked at some of the stains that were impossible to clean off and how they looked even more distinct against the white, I realised that my experience abroad was indeed real.

Coming back is difficult for me because as much as I missed my home, my loved ones and my friends, being away for so long was like an escape from all the nagging I’ve to deal with back here. It certainly isn’t easy, having that part in my life again, but like I’ve said before, if I can put up with the shit of others that are not my kin, all the more I can and should put up with the nagging of my family. After all, these are the people whom I’ll have for life.

Things I’ve learnt about myself from 4 months of living abroad

It’s been about 4 days since I’ve been back from a 4-month study experience that was laden with so much fun and adventure. I move about my daily life as per normal (minus the jet lag), somewhat in a way that I feel like I’ve never left home before. But then, little things like reaching out instinctively to the side of my toilet bowl to flush when the button is at the top, reminds me that the experience was real. It wasn’t a dream.

I never thought I would miss Buffalo the way I am missing it right now. I think what I miss most is the amount of freedom and independence I had, the ability to not be accountable to anyone but myself. I’ve got so many stories that I want to share but I don’t know where to begin.. And since, these 4 months allowed me to grow as a person, I’ve come to see myself in a different perspective from before.

1. I’m a true P.

P in this case, stands for ‘perceiving’ under the MBTI type. For the longest time, I never understood why I was a P. I’ve always seen myself as a J (judging) – making lists of things to do, planning ahead of time, punctuality etc. All of that still holds true, especially punctuality. If I’m a minute late, I’m late and I’ll actually tell people that I’m late if I expect myself to be a minute late. I’ll feel horrible for being a minute late, even though I know there will be people who will be 5-10 minutes late.

After living without parental supervision for 4 months, the P aspects of me started to show in the form of my hurricane-torn-apart room. Weirdly enough, for a person who is OCD and loves being organised (colour-coding and other minute details), I’m a messy person. I don’t know how I’m able to live with mess, but I can and I sure can bring that mess into other people’s places.

2. I procrastinate a lot.

This probably supports the reason why I’m perceiving. Oh deadlines, and all the tasks that I got to do. It doesn’t help that Buffalo was a place that was so slow-paced in comparison to Singapore, that I tend to take my time to get around doing things… And I end up having to do the last-minute mad rush thing, every, single, time.

3. I’m probably not as bad at cooking as I might have thought.

I used to tell people that it would be a miracle if I were to be in the kitchen and it doesn’t get caught in flames. Well, thankfully, I’ve not burned down any kitchens in Rensch (because they use a heating coil HAHA). I think for the most part, I’ve been reluctant to experiment with cooking simply because I fear that what I whip up would taste bad… And honestly, I shouldn’t even be having this mentality because every thing has got to start somewhere right?

I am quite proud of myself for having cooked some simple stuff – aglio olio (which was a total fail!), kimchi omelette, porridge (with lots of ingredients), kimchi fried rice (more like gochujang paste fried rice since I had no kimchi!), kimchi soup and more!

Now all that’s stopping me from cooking back in Singapore, is the fact that I’ll have so much cleaning up to do. So mmmmm…

4. I need to work on my determination.

I feel like how a person exercises gives a rough insight about what he/she is like – though this is just my personal opinion, and it is not entirely true. I just simply feel that it is applicable to me. When you are exercising, your body and stamina is one thing, but your mind and willpower is another. And I really admire those who are able to tell themselves to push on and not give up even when they are tired, because HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO IT?

It takes a lot of willpower to spur yourself on, to be your own cheerleader, to continue pushing yourself even when your body is crying (or sweating) and telling you no. And ermmm, I definitely got to work on that. I feel like exercising not only strengthens you physically, but mentally as well, and if you are able to be resilient while working out, it is possible that you are going to be more resilient when facing real problems I guess?

5. My greatest sin is definitely gluttony.

For years, I could never decide which was my greatest sin – gluttony or sloth. Both are such close contenders, but ultimately, gluttony has won out. Maybe it’s because I was living in a foreign place, so I feel compelled to try every single thing… But I just felt like my stomach was a bottomless pit while living in the States. I ate when I was hungry, I ate when I was bored, I ate when I was full, I ate ALL THE TIME.

If sloth continues to keep up with gluttony, I’m so gonna swell.

6. I am OBSESSED with lipsticks (and nail polishes).

When will this ever stop mmmm? How about my next lifetime? Because a girl totally needs a red/burgundy/coral/orange/pink/nude/red (oh did I already say that) lipstick.

P.S. I got myself a NARS in ‘Grace’, and I think it’s sweet to find a colour that I love and suits me. It’s an added plus that Grace is sort of my name because well, it’s one of the characters in my Chinese name.

7. I can’t pack to save my life.

Packing suitcases just triggers my panic button to no end – whether is it for a short or long trip, going away or coming back. I just don’t have that ability to sit down and think about what fits, or how to shift things around so that my items can magically be packed into the suitcase even if their shapes/volumes don’t change.

8. I’m a hoarder.

One of the reasons why packing is a nightmare for me is this – I like to keep everything. I brought back some of the paper bags I got from the States (A&F, Pink, Magnolia Bakery and MORE). I am insane, I know right?

Of course I needed to bring back the A&F bag, I can’t afford A&F in Singapore, so I can’t get that paper bag here. Totally needed it.

9. I feel more comfortable walking down the streets of South Korea, than in America.

Well, I mean I could potentially be a New Yorker kind of girl, I could. But being a Singaporean in the States, I don’t know whether to feel offended or not, every time someone I assumes I’m from China and automatically greets me in Chinese (even though they don’t mean any harm and they can’t really tell us apart. It’s not like I can fault them because I can’t tell Caucasians apart either). But it’s just weird you know, since I’m technically a Chinese who is fluent in English, so I’m neither here nor there.

Whereas in Korea, I’m just an Asian. Like I still do get people assuming that I’m from China, but I get a kick out of confusing them when I speak to the sales assistants in English, Mandarin, Korean and Japanese (because well, they’ve got sales assistants fluent in different languages). Ok this doesn’t even make sense, I think I’m just inherently biased towards South Korea.

I mean sure, I could navigate around Times Square on my own, go about doing my own thing but when I was walking down the streets of Seoul and sitting in the cafe sipping on my coffee alone, it just felt…. Normal, and good.

So yes, this concludes my somewhat lengthy post in a long time…. And I hope I get enough motivation to pen down my thoughts on my other experiences!

P.P.S. I know I sound bimbotic in certain parts, just fyi, I’m being sarcastic ok.

I’m just holding on for tonight.

Approximately half an hour to go before I board the plane for my Thanksgiving break.

Well, technically it isn’t a break, considering all the work that follows next week…. But I’ll just let myself enjoy (I hope) for now.

The past few weeks has been so physically, mentally, and perhaps emotionally draining. I don’t deal with drama well, period.

I’m surprised with how I’m holding everything in well… At least, well enough for now. Perhaps it’s the few months here, that has trained me to be independent, to be tolerant… Perhaps.

Even though things feel like shit now, there’s at least one good thing I’ve learnt from everything – it is the capacity to be more tolerant. If anything, I’m extremely guilty of not being exactly tolerant towards my own family… And yet I can be so towards people who aren’t even family..

Sigh, I wonder why… I guess I’ve just been a terrible child for way too long… At least, when I get home this time round, I hope I’ll learn something from everything that has happened… And I’ll tell myself to be a better person, towards my family and my close friends. But yes, especially towards my family.

So let’s get drunk on our tears.

But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

And so I confronted the inevitable issue – the issue that has been weighing on my heart for the longest time. First, I’ll just pat myself on my own shoulder for finally speaking up about it, instead of running away and hiding from it like I always do.

The truth hurts, I’m not gonna lie. But it wasn’t like I didn’t know it anyway. It was there in my face the whole time, I just didn’t want to confront it. I just buried it away and told myself it was going to be ok. And no, it’s not.

I think about the very lesson when Ms Ho talked about the issue about differences in faith and how it plays an important role and one would have to consider it deeply before making any life-changing decisions. Stupid naive 16 year old me just laughed it off thinking it was never going to be my problem. Guess who just got slapped in the face real hard 5 years from that day?

What should I do?

Maybe we’ll find a brand new ending where we’re dancing in our tears.